September 11, 2015



There’s an old Italian saying, ‘’All women are sluts except my mother’’!


If statistics** are to be relied upon, here are some figures that’ll surprise you or, at least, awaken you to the dark side of relationships:

• 30% of all marriages result in divorce or separation (that includes YOURS!)!
• 80% of married women cheat or, at the least, have cheated during their marriage (that includes YOURS!!); the remaining 20% have considered cheating at some point in time while 15% of those 20-percenters are awaiting the right opportunity to cheat. And the remaining 5%? They’re dealing with ”issues” (but they’ll come around eventually).
• Of the married women who cheat (i.e., the 80-percenters, above), 90% cheat with men already known to them (the neighbor/his kid who mows your lawn, family friends, colleagues at work, hubby’ business partners, acquaintances, the pizza guy, pool guy, postman, plumber, etc.). The remaining 10% freelance; become easy pickups at grocery stores, malls, bars, bus stops, wherever chance meetings can occur, or they hook up through personnel Ads.



Infidelity Chart


WHY DO WOMEN CHEAT? That’s a different matter (see Link). Suffice it to say, THEY DO for the same reasons Men do – because THEY CAN! And it’s a good thing too because sleazeballs like us would have one hell of a hard time searching for, finding, and scoring with horny babes if the only meat market available happens to be the community church hosting Bingo for senior citizens. Lord have mercy!!


CaughtOK, so you’re caught, or she is caught, or you both want to split the sheet or, what’s worse for the male ego, you’ve been dumped and she’s having a merry ol’ time without having to look over her shoulder! But now, YOU DORK!! You want her back! You’re sorry for the way things turned out. It was all your fault (It always IS, Dorko!). I should have listened to you (Yea! Set yourself up again for the ‘’I told you so …’’ ritual). I’d do anything to have you back (… like play eunuch … look the other way while some other dude is shooting past her goal post?).


Kick your sorry, crying ass to the corner for a moment and reflect on WHY she prefers someone else’s company rather than yours. What could be the reason(s) she stepped out of your matrimonial bed into the back seat of his rickety Chevy? What could possibly turn her on to him (them?) when you got just about everything a gal could desire in a husband? Can’t be looks ‘cos he’s as scruffy as a Joe Cocker-Frank Zappa hybrid and smells worse than a hobo’s underwear. The tattoos? Unmistakable handiwork of Folsom Prison. Can’t be money, stability, security ‘cos that’s what she saw in you – your house in the suburbs and that Volvo. While Jerko lives in a rundown mobile home and rides a beat up ol’ Harley cos the Chevy broke down (again)! His idea of dressing up for dinner is a hand me down, raggedy Levis  he picked up from the thrift store, and riding boots that need to be resoled. The only time he’s not partying is when he runs out of his Welfare check or expects his Parole Officer’s visit. And he treats his women like dirt!

And THAT, the last part, is the secret to his success in getting’ laid.Blow Me

THE JEKILLA AND HYDA SYNDROME: So, what turns a conservative, prim and proper ”I don’t do anals”-type housewife into a sex starved, demonically possessed predator between someone else’s bed sheets?

It’s ‘cos no woman worth her salt wants to play mom to a doling crybaby. Do you want the broad to pity you, respect you, or CRAVE for you? Sure, you’re nice to her, considerate, affectionate, generous, and demonstrate all the other ‘’preferred’’ qualities that Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Redbook, Jane and other such sissy magazines claim that women look for in men. And, it’s a fact that such qualities DO attract women; but they do not hold or bind woman to such men for long if the guys lack the one essential trait that separates men from boys – or the Alpha Males from the stooges.

AlphaIt’s called MACHISMO, but it’s difficult to define: either you got it or you don’t! If you don’t, then cultivate it. Being a gentleman could only take you home to meet her mother over a home cooked meal – maybe! You see, gentlemen don’t have half a chance to get lucky in this competitive bitch eat dog meat market (pun intended). Remember the old adage: Treat a lady like a slut, and treat a slut like a lady. Never fails! Bring out that inner slimeball in you and make ‘em recline belly up at the sound of your zipper unfastening! Muster CONFIDENCE, Brother. Confidence to look down on your flaccid pecker, gaze into her eyes and say something like, ‘’Well …. It’s not going to blow itself, you know …’’.Direct Approach

You BOTH know yours is not the first flute she’d be playing on. If she declines or pretends to get all pushed out of shape, play along with her. Show her politely to the door. Say that there’s still some time left for you to spend with Paula (or whoever) who doesn’t have any Catholic convent scruples. ‘’Good Night, Dearie. Drive yourself home. I’ve got some calls to make …’’! You’ll be pleasantly surprised at the result. Sluts HATE competition.

middle_fingerAn old lecher once told me, ‘’Feed her with all sorts of sweet, romantic BS; that she’s special, she means everything to you, you’d die without her … Treat her nice – but stay a healthy distance away emotionally, and always keep her wondering …’’. There’s wisdom in these here words, Son.


If your masochistic or self-destructive tendencies get the better over your common sense for you to want her back, there are several field tested methods. But always bear in mind she is the very same ‘love of your life’ that took a healthy dump on your trust, emotions, ego, and manhood. If she comes back, she won’t be the person you wished for her to be! They don’t change but become more sophisticated in ways of concealment – more difficult to catch. Be advised you’re dealing with a foxy Corvette that requires Dealer Servicing every now and then.

The internet is full of advice on how to get her back. You can ‘’become the change you expect in her’’. You can engage trusted liaisons, mutual friends and good wishers to work on her emotions. You could woo her all over again …. or psyche her into a guilt trip …! Remember, you got the upper hand now: she cheated and got caught – the trashy, rotten, gutter slut!! And you haven’t – as yet (been caught) … Lucky Bastard! Hell! Use black magic … try PNP … Threaten suicide (but you’d be doing her a favor, Dorko!) …. and so on. The options are endless but the critical catalyst necessary is her DESIRE to return.

Now, why in heck would she want to return to the same old Dork and the same old drudgery she escaped from? You gotta motivate her, Dude. Persuade her. Build her desire. Work on subduing her inner bitch. Kindle her competitive instinct: If she knows (or believes) you are having a good time without her in the picture, you can bet your wimpy lil’ ass she’ll show renewed interest in you (more so if it were to screw up your life even more)!


  1.  There’s no such thing called ”Love”. The only thing that could come close to it is the feelings a mother has for her child. Everything else is conditional and selfish.
  2. The antonym (opposite) of Love is not Hate, but Indifference. Think upon that that for a moment. Hate, Love are powerful emotions. Indifference moseys along at the other end of the scale. Discipline yourself to become indifferent.
  3. Don’t underestimate the God-given power of your inner resolve. Men are ruled by logic and reason (located in the groin); women, by emotion (location: not confined to one place – therefore, unpredictable)! But, know this: Jealousy and one-upmanship jump starts sluts into action.Don't Give a Fuck

Become the man you were meant to be and we can almost guarantee you’ll have her back. Why ‘’almost’’? Because you may not wish to lap up some other guy’s vomit. But if she does return, show her a good time while building up your defenses against any unforeseen financial/social sabotage; then boot her out decisively. It’s better for your ego. Men can’t handle being dumped. We’re better at being ‘’dumpers’’ than ‘’dumpees’’.

LOVE LETTERS! Yes! Love letters work. Sometimes! But they’re no instant cure for blue balls.

You can try the dorky, mushy, sensitive type: ‘’I just can’t stop loving you … my life is empty without you … I’d do anything to have you back … I’m truly sorry …’’ (Yea! For HER fuck-ups!). Or you can improvise on the theme below.

Or better yet: cut her loose with no regrets or resentment so you can both get on with your lives.

Either way, GOOD LUCK! We hope you find happiness and your MACHISMO.

PS: Also click on LINK.Baby Come Back Letter

You're Welcome

Copyright Carlisle Collins. havepenwillwrite. 2015. All Rights Reserved.


September 6, 2015


Of late, we’ve been getting some complaints from the tiny readership we’ve been struggling to maintain. Most complaints are from armchair adventurers and dead-beat wet blankets addressing us as Douchbags because of our conservative content and writing style, and an editorial policy based upon morals, mainstream journalism, and street-savvy smut.

One complainant had the balls to write, ‘’No one gives a flying fuck about police corruption …. Besides, we have the very best law enforcement money can buy! …. If we don’t stick our nose in their business, they won’t stick their dick in ours!’’ (Ouch, Dude! Quit with the ”ours”)!He is Right

We occasionally get letters from judicial officers expressing boredom and suggesting we perk up our legal articles/commentaries with some hardcore, ”Pole-in-da-Hole”-type state of affairs: it keeps their little friend down below maintain poise and rigid authority when pronouncing power-packed sentences! We aim to please, Your Honor: check out the sidebar Links on this site under ‘’Good Ol’ Porn: Porn Is Good For You ….’’.

Most of the complaints we get are from irate individuals who became overnight celebrities through some (unintentional) private acts which became public– newsworthy acts! Well, bearing in mind that they also have some (limited) expectations of Privacy, this writing here will provide a mechanism for redress in matters of alleged Copyright infringement or material published closer to one’s heart (or derriere).

COPYRIGHT COMPLAINTS: Only the copyright holder* or an authorized agent can file a DMCA notice.
*Copyright holder =
1) the original photographer
2) a company which contracts the material via “work-for-hire”

Please understand that we get scores of hate mail and death threats daily from dejected lovers, religious fruitcakes, PMS’ing broads, A-Type Personalities, and yet others showing symptoms of chronic constipation. And even though we do read them all (Ya Rrright!!), we cannot always reply to each concern individually (although a brief, courtesy ‘’Fuck You and Die Byatch’’ doesn’t take very long to write).

We are unable to respond to emails in any other language but Pidgin English or shorthand. We also occasionally do some Braille (but it’s gotta be nice and dark if yaknowhadimean).

Oh ShitIf you happen to be a ‘Public Figure’ whose image has been (most likely) appropriated from the public domain, please become familiar with the law on Fair Use Policy – parodies – ‘’not for commercial profit’’, etc. – and try to generate a sense of humor for crying out loud, unless you’re REALLY pissed off. In which case, get a hold of the media people who first published your purportedly objectionable matter. Also, check out our page about Copyright Law & Cartoon Parodies.

If you do not get a quick response to your mail from us, don’t have a cow, Dude. Please be patient. Do some Yoga or Transcendental Meditation, or something …. But don’t lose your cool …. We don’t want you to pop a hemorrhoid. Please understand we’re swamped yet diligently working on your problem, dig? BTW: Do not send multiple complaints on the same issue ‘cos it’ll drive us bananas, or, better yet, your messages may be marked as spam.

Each complaint must ALWAYS have at least the following information, or it WILL be ignored:

1. Identify yourself as either:
a: The person in the image or article.
b: The legal guardian of a child or dependent in the images/gallery.
c: Describing your sexual fetishes would be a Plus.

2. Please indicate the problem you wish to have resolved: e.g.,
a: My naked image is published and it shows I have a tiny ‘’thingie’’.
b: Excerpts from my Diary and Little Black Book are published mentioning details of my extra-marital homosexual affairs with little boys in church.
c: My chat room activities have been hacked; my webcam videos of self love are playing on the Internet, etc.

3. State your contact information (email address, phone number, job details, credit card information, ATM password, etc….) and send some revealing, uncensored pics PLEASE! Smuttier the better! We are true connoisseurs of Free Thinking Artistic Expression (i.e., Porn).

4. Tell us why you find the subject material offensive – e.g., bitter divorce, incestuous childhood, abusive parents, social reject, low self esteem, bullied in school, buttfucked in college, erectile dysfunction, suffering from TPS (Tiny Penis Syndrome), Pedophilia, Gonorrhea, Diarrhea, Pyorrhea, popped hemorrhoids, etc., ….. Give us all the sordid details: Names, What, When, Where, With Whom, Why, How, and WTF. Send some more revealing pics as evidence – smuttier the better!

REST ASSURED: We take readers’ suggestions and complaints very seriously. We also seriously have available a full-time serious pervert who gets a serious kick reviewing serious smut mail. We will venture to do our very freakin’ best to resolve the matter probably as soon as we can possibly get to it excluding holidays.

‘Till then: Peace & Love! Shaloom!

Copyright Carlisle Collins. havepenwillwrite. 2015. All Rights Reserved.