(at his secret retreat in the Monte Carlo Hilton)

Q: Firstly Sir, let me thank you for taking time off your busy schedule and granting this exclusive interview.
CALIPH: OK. Go ahead. I’m waiting …
Q: Excuse me …?
CALIPH: You asked for permission to thank me… Remember?
Q: Oh yes .. I am very grateful for this unique honor, Sir.
CALIPH: Words. Merely words. Why don’t you Westerner infidels back your words up with action? Demonstrate your freakin’ gratitude!!Caliph
Q: Well, I promise to write a word by word, honest account of our meeting, Sir. How else can I thank you …?
CALIPH: On your freakin’ knees, Peckerwood! Drop your shorts and come to Daddy! Y’know, Big-Daddy! “Bagdadi”, get it?!
Q: Uh! Can’t this wait ‘till later? Can’t we talk first …
CALIPH: Like, “get to know each other first … break the ice … verbal foreplay …”? Ya. There’s no rush … You Westerners procrastinate the inevitable by time-wasting, yip yap cockteasing. OK … I understand. See? I’m so very understanding! Now talk!
Q: Well Sir. We in the West are curious to know what exactly you want. Surely your agenda goes beyond establishing a Caliphate. You could have done so in some piddly little village with majority rule. What’s with this expansionist policy seizing military bases, sophisticated weaponry, summary execution of captives …. What gives, eh?
CALIPH: I’ll sum it up in two words: Affirmative Action – Equal Opportunity.
Q: Those are four words!
CALIPH: Not when I say they aren’t! Listen, Limpdick! We are simple law abiding people here who just happen to be a “minority group” as defined by Law – YOUR LAW! Affirmative action is intended to promote the opportunities of minority groups within a society … to give them equal access to that of the majority population. Are you with me so far?National Executions Academy_2
Q: Yea … but I’m trying to figure out where this is headed. “Law abiding”? How do you figure that?
CALIPH: We’ve always idolized the Rule of Law that America symbolizes. If you make an objective assessment of the US’s Rule of Law in action within their sovereign border as well as overseas, you will realize a striking similarity between our responses when dealing with dissent. You could say we’re moving closer to the US model of dealing with shit-stirrers, and certainly making a good faith effort to emulate US Policy.
Q: I really don’t see how …. Do you have a Constitution?
CALIPH: You’re talking to him, Morning-Breath! Besides, unlike republics, democracies are fragile; they’re designed to fail – and give way to dictatorship! But that’s beyond your comprehension so I’ll keep it simple … Let me illustrate the similarity between your President Obumba and an aspiring visionary such as I. My domain is the Caliphate; yours is a Police State. O’Bumbo is a caliph in his own right with broad executive powers over his people. But he did it by guile, smooth talk, bullshitting, inspiring fear of a purported external threat to the country, and butt kissing the naïve electorate. Man … What a limp-wristed woosie!! Me? I did the macho thing: I just seized it! And there ain’t no pussy-faced moddafokka gonna to take it away either! But I gotta hand it to that O’Beamer dude: He’s a smoothie … He could sell sand to a Bedouin and make a profit. Look what he did to that fella in Saudi … the silver-tongued devil … must have pummeled those callipygian cuties in Yale right into a Delta Kappa Epsilon coma … Sorry. Just thinking out loud… Now, where was I …?
Q: I think you were expressing regrets not having opportunity to pummel those callipygian cuties at Yale into a Delta Kappa Epsilon coma …?
CALIPH: Ya well, our indigenous variety are a hellofalot better stacked; b’sides, over here, you don’t lose your motor home if she decides to bring out her “inner bitch” …
Q: But, what about your tent?
CALIPH: They can have mine. .. Got it from K-Mart. It’s old, raggedy, made in China; cost me forty bucks on Closeout!.
Q: You were talking about Equal Opportunity before we got sidetracked. How is that relevant to your mission?
CALIPH: What a dumbass question! You numbskulls need to go out more, meet people, do some reading, watch the freaking news every now and then … Don’t you see what’s going on around the world? Which version of Truth do you report? You don’t happen to work for PRAVDA, do you?
Q: Fox News.
CALIPH: Same thing! Government vehicles of propaganda. Anyway, this is our position: What gives the US government authority to stifle dissent, albeit, through “legislation”, among its own people a la Adolph Hitler and Nazi Germany? What gives the US government right to invade other countries? What gives the US government right to massacre thousands through wars outside its borders? What gives the US government right to displace lawful governments and appoint its puppet regime instead? What gives the US government right to steal strategic resources from other countries?


But these atrocities are “legitimized” through effective propaganda and a conspiring media. And, of course, a thumb-sucking, gullible populace. Like I said, we’re a private, non-interfering, law abiding group. Did we interfere in the massacre of Native Americans or the millions during World War I and II? Did we interfere in the US invasion of Vietnam and the slaughter of thousands by US troops? Did we not emulate the US by remaining silent spectators to Nazi abominations against Jews and their European neighbors, or the more recent eugenics in Croatia/Serbia? Closer to home, did we offer any resistance to the recent US inspired overthrow of the Libyan or Egyptian governments? Or the US supported victimization of our Palestinian brethren? Did we interfere in the US invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq….. etc., etc. Well, to be fair, maybe some of our fighters did, but not this, my State, per se. We didn’t even exist back then … no’wumsayin?

Our position is THE US DOES NOT HAVE EXCLUSIVE RIGHT TO PROVOKE WARS AND KILL!! We just wanna join in the fun – and the world can grab a ringside seat and see that we are ahellofalot better than the Westerner infidels in killing our people. And we do it with BALLS: face to masked face (a la Zorro), mano a mano, not like those dickless cowards in the sky  ….. May the fleas from a hundred camels party in their groin …
Q: Makes sense … kind of …. But what’s puzzling is your wars are against your Moslem neighbors and both sides yell, “Allah Ho Akbar” (Allah Is Great). So, whose side is Allah on?
CALIPH: Obviously, on the side of the victors.
Q: What would happen if you lost these wars?
CALIPH: You’ll be dealing with an endlessly metastasizing and metamorphosing spiritually and morally conservative communities such as ours. We’ll just surface under a different name, carry a different banner, and join you cussing out this, my State; our mission, however, will remain pretty much the same … One God_One Lawnowhumsayin?
Q: But the word is, your fighters are taking a horrendous kicking on several fronts …
CALIPH: Victory for Allah is our final goal, and the road to victory is paved with the blood of martyrs and of those who get in our way – also camel dung, to be quite honest … Loads of camel poop, you won’t believe! Don’t go for the crap they dish out on National Geographic or the Discovery Channel. They paint the desert with romanticism, as an “endless sea of pristine sedimentation, unadulterated through countless generations of self purifying wind …wah …wah … wah …” . What a load of bull hoinkery! Hah! Believe you me, there’s nothing “purifying” when camels break wind; and nothing “pristine” about camel dung. This desert has generations upon generation of camel shit circulating with sand in the air we breathe. Some swear it adds a certain Bedouin flavor to our cooking … Now, where was I? Oh yes … the road to Vegas lined with bloody camel poop …? Damn … I plain forgot!
Q: Moving on, Sir: In Islam, isn’t it a mortal sin to kill “Believers”; and don’t Christians and Jews also worship the same Creator – but call Him by a different name? More importantly, what began as a sectarian Sunni versus Shia conflict, how do you justify the killing of your fellow Sunni brethren who are rightfully defending their homes, families, sovereign identity? Doesn’t the Quran prohibit forced conversions and abhor slavery? Didn’t Prophet Mohammad decree the Rules of War and banned the persecution of women, children, old folk, and those who do not fight against you?
CALIPH: Hey! Will ya freakin’ quit with the trick questions! OK?! Look! I don’t have the time or patience to explain Islamic Theology to you and be trapped in a discussion that’ll have Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on my door every Sunday morning.
Q: But I’m Mormon.
CALIPH: Even worse …! Suffice it to say, there is no god but God. Islam has been, is, and will be the religion of God since Adam, Noah, Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, Jacob, Job, Jonah, Aaron, Solomon, David, Moses, Jesus, and, the final Seal of all Prophets, Mohammad, (Peace Be Upon All Prophets). One God – One Law! Through time, His Laws as embodied in the Holy Zabur, the Holy Torah, and the Holy Injeel (Bible), were gradually perfected and enshrined in the Holy Qur’an. Yes! Every Prophet’s followers are Believers, but every Prophet foretold the coming of the next to follow, who would convey God’s Will to change or amend His laws. ‘Esa (Jesus) foretold the coming of the Last Prophet Mohammed (Peace Be Upon Them All) who delivered the final Code of Conduct – The Shariat – that Allah expects of all mankind. A “believer” whose conduct is tangential to the Shariat is no Believer, but an apostate, an infidel; more so, the pseudo-“believer” who conspires and forms alliances with those who raise the sword against Allah and His Holy Prophets! These are the enemies of Allah – therefore, our enemies! And Victory as foretold, when it is won, will not be ours, but Allah’s. So, you see, just like Georgie Sr. and Jr., the Rockmefellas, the Wrathchilds, and their cronies, we’re also hep on A New World Order – OURS!!
Q: You haven’t explained forced conversions, the killing of women and kids, etc. When will the killing stop. Do you see any end to this conflict?
CALIPH: I can’t handle more than one trick question at a time, Pilgrim! Alright? About the killings, I’m nowhere even close to the Guinness Record what with stalwarts like Genghis Khan, Montezuma, Pope Innocent III and his Inquisition buddies, King Dick and the Crusades (sounds like a R&R band, eh?), Stalin, Hitler, Mao Zedung, the Bush legacy, Ben Nutsanyahoo; not to forget the legendary Cecil B. DeMille (Didn’t ya ever watch his movies? Man …! That mowfow killed a zillion in just a few hours … Now, that’s far freakin’ out, Dude …)!. So, why make such a big deal about me? I’m the little guy, remember – just starting off? Like I said, we’re just emulating US foreign policy. When they stop killing and provoking people to kill. We will follow suit – Honest! Cross my Beheadheart!
Q: But we fear, by that time, you just might take over the Middle East, Europe, and America …
CALIPH: Yea. I saw that movie, too …. Well, if that’s the only way to stop the madness and restore peace, so be it! Heck … I could even be in for the Nobel Prize or an Oscar!! You could view this as “A War For Peace“!
Q: But, isn’t fighting “A War For Peace” like “Fucking For Virginity”?
CALIPH: You mean there are still some running around? Virgins …? Where? I have a message for them: “THANKS FOR NOTHING“!! Now go report the truth. Remember, the last red headed stepchild who lied, lost his head … Kinda’ gives a new meaning to the term, “Gimme some head, Byatch”, eh?
Q: Gulp! One final question, Sir. Your manner of speaking betrays a hint of “Americanization”. Did you happen to pick up some “Americanese” in the United States; or, maybe, from some missionary in the local gutter … ?
Feel_LuckyCALIPH: Nope! Never been to the States, but I’d like to check out the cathouses in Carson City someday; that is, IF O’Bummer’s liberal immigration policy is still around – and if this damn bounty on my head is ever lifted. Failing which, I could always switch to Plan B: Sneak across the border as a Mexican hopeful, mi cariño – sell crank to gringos, comprende …? Viva La Raza …!! And, NO. “Missionary Style” is really not my style. I picked up English watching Clint Eastwood movies …. So, do you feel lucky, Punk? Well, DO YA? Now, go ahead … make me doink!


Copyright 2014. Carlisle Collins. havepenwillwrite. All Rights Reserved.



  1. Stay Tuned for the next ALL’ZIZZNBEER-AHH NUTSWORK EXCLUSIVE: ELVIS IS ALIVE !! Yes! You heard that right, People! Unreliable sources swear he traded in his jumpsuit for a robe and turban studded with rhinestones! He’s over thar’ as the official morale booster for our ground troops jess a Rockin’- n – Rollin ‘n slicin’ sand at the bad guys; you know, doing the pelvis thaing ‘n dodgin’ em bullets. More Later – maybe!

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