September 11, 2015



There’s an old Italian saying, ‘’All women are sluts except my mother’’!


If statistics** are to be relied upon, here are some figures that’ll surprise you or, at least, awaken you to the dark side of relationships:

• 30% of all marriages result in divorce or separation (that includes YOURS!)!
• 80% of married women cheat or, at the least, have cheated during their marriage (that includes YOURS!!); the remaining 20% have considered cheating at some point in time while 15% of those 20-percenters are awaiting the right opportunity to cheat. And the remaining 5%? They’re dealing with ”issues” (but they’ll come around eventually).
• Of the married women who cheat (i.e., the 80-percenters, above), 90% cheat with men already known to them (the neighbor/his kid who mows your lawn, family friends, colleagues at work, hubby’ business partners, acquaintances, the pizza guy, pool guy, postman, plumber, etc.). The remaining 10% freelance; become easy pickups at grocery stores, malls, bars, bus stops, wherever chance meetings can occur, or they hook up through personnel Ads.



Infidelity Chart


WHY DO WOMEN CHEAT? That’s a different matter (see Link). Suffice it to say, THEY DO for the same reasons Men do – because THEY CAN! And it’s a good thing too because sleazeballs like us would have one hell of a hard time searching for, finding, and scoring with horny babes if the only meat market available happens to be the community church hosting Bingo for senior citizens. Lord have mercy!!


CaughtOK, so you’re caught, or she is caught, or you both want to split the sheet or, what’s worse for the male ego, you’ve been dumped and she’s having a merry ol’ time without having to look over her shoulder! But now, YOU DORK!! You want her back! You’re sorry for the way things turned out. It was all your fault (It always IS, Dorko!). I should have listened to you (Yea! Set yourself up again for the ‘’I told you so …’’ ritual). I’d do anything to have you back (… like play eunuch … look the other way while some other dude is shooting past her goal post?).


Kick your sorry, crying ass to the corner for a moment and reflect on WHY she prefers someone else’s company rather than yours. What could be the reason(s) she stepped out of your matrimonial bed into the back seat of his rickety Chevy? What could possibly turn her on to him (them?) when you got just about everything a gal could desire in a husband? Can’t be looks ‘cos he’s as scruffy as a Joe Cocker-Frank Zappa hybrid and smells worse than a hobo’s underwear. The tattoos? Unmistakable handiwork of Folsom Prison. Can’t be money, stability, security ‘cos that’s what she saw in you – your house in the suburbs and that Volvo. While Jerko lives in a rundown mobile home and rides a beat up ol’ Harley cos the Chevy broke down (again)! His idea of dressing up for dinner is a hand me down, raggedy Levis  he picked up from the thrift store, and riding boots that need to be resoled. The only time he’s not partying is when he runs out of his Welfare check or expects his Parole Officer’s visit. And he treats his women like dirt!

And THAT, the last part, is the secret to his success in getting’ laid.Blow Me

THE JEKILLA AND HYDA SYNDROME: So, what turns a conservative, prim and proper ”I don’t do anals”-type housewife into a sex starved, demonically possessed predator between someone else’s bed sheets?

It’s ‘cos no woman worth her salt wants to play mom to a doling crybaby. Do you want the broad to pity you, respect you, or CRAVE for you? Sure, you’re nice to her, considerate, affectionate, generous, and demonstrate all the other ‘’preferred’’ qualities that Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Redbook, Jane and other such sissy magazines claim that women look for in men. And, it’s a fact that such qualities DO attract women; but they do not hold or bind woman to such men for long if the guys lack the one essential trait that separates men from boys – or the Alpha Males from the stooges.

AlphaIt’s called MACHISMO, but it’s difficult to define: either you got it or you don’t! If you don’t, then cultivate it. Being a gentleman could only take you home to meet her mother over a home cooked meal – maybe! You see, gentlemen don’t have half a chance to get lucky in this competitive bitch eat dog meat market (pun intended). Remember the old adage: Treat a lady like a slut, and treat a slut like a lady. Never fails! Bring out that inner slimeball in you and make ‘em recline belly up at the sound of your zipper unfastening! Muster CONFIDENCE, Brother. Confidence to look down on your flaccid pecker, gaze into her eyes and say something like, ‘’Well …. It’s not going to blow itself, you know …’’.Direct Approach

You BOTH know yours is not the first flute she’d be playing on. If she declines or pretends to get all pushed out of shape, play along with her. Show her politely to the door. Say that there’s still some time left for you to spend with Paula (or whoever) who doesn’t have any Catholic convent scruples. ‘’Good Night, Dearie. Drive yourself home. I’ve got some calls to make …’’! You’ll be pleasantly surprised at the result. Sluts HATE competition.

middle_fingerAn old lecher once told me, ‘’Feed her with all sorts of sweet, romantic BS; that she’s special, she means everything to you, you’d die without her … Treat her nice – but stay a healthy distance away emotionally, and always keep her wondering …’’. There’s wisdom in these here words, Son.


If your masochistic or self-destructive tendencies get the better over your common sense for you to want her back, there are several field tested methods. But always bear in mind she is the very same ‘love of your life’ that took a healthy dump on your trust, emotions, ego, and manhood. If she comes back, she won’t be the person you wished for her to be! They don’t change but become more sophisticated in ways of concealment – more difficult to catch. Be advised you’re dealing with a foxy Corvette that requires Dealer Servicing every now and then.

The internet is full of advice on how to get her back. You can ‘’become the change you expect in her’’. You can engage trusted liaisons, mutual friends and good wishers to work on her emotions. You could woo her all over again …. or psyche her into a guilt trip …! Remember, you got the upper hand now: she cheated and got caught – the trashy, rotten, gutter slut!! And you haven’t – as yet (been caught) … Lucky Bastard! Hell! Use black magic … try PNP … Threaten suicide (but you’d be doing her a favor, Dorko!) …. and so on. The options are endless but the critical catalyst necessary is her DESIRE to return.

Now, why in heck would she want to return to the same old Dork and the same old drudgery she escaped from? You gotta motivate her, Dude. Persuade her. Build her desire. Work on subduing her inner bitch. Kindle her competitive instinct: If she knows (or believes) you are having a good time without her in the picture, you can bet your wimpy lil’ ass she’ll show renewed interest in you (more so if it were to screw up your life even more)!


  1.  There’s no such thing called ”Love”. The only thing that could come close to it is the feelings a mother has for her child. Everything else is conditional and selfish.
  2. The antonym (opposite) of Love is not Hate, but Indifference. Think upon that that for a moment. Hate, Love are powerful emotions. Indifference moseys along at the other end of the scale. Discipline yourself to become indifferent.
  3. Don’t underestimate the God-given power of your inner resolve. Men are ruled by logic and reason (located in the groin); women, by emotion (location: not confined to one place – therefore, unpredictable)! But, know this: Jealousy and one-upmanship jump starts sluts into action.Don't Give a Fuck

Become the man you were meant to be and we can almost guarantee you’ll have her back. Why ‘’almost’’? Because you may not wish to lap up some other guy’s vomit. But if she does return, show her a good time while building up your defenses against any unforeseen financial/social sabotage; then boot her out decisively. It’s better for your ego. Men can’t handle being dumped. We’re better at being ‘’dumpers’’ than ‘’dumpees’’.

LOVE LETTERS! Yes! Love letters work. Sometimes! But they’re no instant cure for blue balls.

You can try the dorky, mushy, sensitive type: ‘’I just can’t stop loving you … my life is empty without you … I’d do anything to have you back … I’m truly sorry …’’ (Yea! For HER fuck-ups!). Or you can improvise on the theme below.

Or better yet: cut her loose with no regrets or resentment so you can both get on with your lives.

Either way, GOOD LUCK! We hope you find happiness and your MACHISMO.

PS: Also click on LINK.Baby Come Back Letter

You're Welcome

Copyright Carlisle Collins. havepenwillwrite. 2015. All Rights Reserved.



April 27, 2014

DINESH PEDDANNA is in the news again:

ImageNow, below might be the conceptual, “un-edited” rendition of a Q&A session that some may hallucinate to be more plausible. No sane person would print it in this our real world of bogus journalism. But, just for the heck of it, let’s pretend for a moment to be residents of Fairytale Land where all have Coprolalia; i.e., an uncontrollable neuropsychiatric disorder that impels one to publicly vocalize often embarrassing thoughts concealed in the subconscious – like truth! For politicians, it would be tantamount to committing political suicide: Obtuse declarations in public lead to concurrent consequences adverse to one’s self interests (especially if criminal charges are pending).

Therefore, the Q&A dialogue below never occurred and there’s no malice intended, so just skim through the crap as you would the Sunday cartoons – and vote for an honest politician when you find one.



ImageWHY DID YOU ENTER POLITICS? Well, Madam, I was always into politics. How do you think I rose up to become DGP? I learned early in life that it’s not what you know that counts: it’s WHO you know. Favor for favors, tit for tat, eye for an eye … I made many enemies as a top cop but you know that old proverb, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend”? Well, I always found a friend in the cesspool to bail me out. Besides, everyone knows there exists a strong camaraderie and reciprocal back scratching within the Reddy clan ….

SOME PRIVATELY OPINE THAT YOU GOT INTO POLITICS TO DODGE THE ONGOING CBI INVESTIGATION INTO YOUR DISPROPORTIONATE ASSETS AND OTHER CRIMINAL ALLEGATIONS. YOU CERTAINLY WERE EQUIPPED TO DO IT, WHAT WITH YOUR POWERFUL POSITION AND “FAVOR FOR FAVOR” DISPOSITION … Weeelll, look at it this way, Madam: You certainly are equipped to be a prostitute. But are you a prostitute? Now, in the broader sense of the label (prostitute), she need not be someone who sells her professional services for money. I have more respect for such women rather than those “closet hookers” who sleep around for favors, or revenge, or promotions while concealed behind a curtain of pseudo respectability.

YOU SEEM TO HAVE A HEALTHY FONDNESS FOR STREET WALKERS, BUT WHAT’S THIS GOT TO DO WITH THE CBI, POLITICS, AND YOU? Everything! I need their vote too. As for my buddies in the CBI, we all belong to the IPS Fraternity, if you get my drift! Wake up, Darling! You don’t still believe in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, do you? Why do you think some would even sell their mothers to become cops? Because crime pays! It pays pretty damn well!! Oh! I do remember one honest cop …. MV Thomas, IPS …. an embarrassment to the rest of us … but he’s dead …. good riddance … Now, please don’t quote me on that, OK?

WHAT ABOUT THE VOTING WOMEN POOL? AS DGP YOU MADE SOME OFF THE WALL REMARKS ABOUT WOMEN WEARING “REVEALING” ATTIRE AS CONTRIBUTING TO RAPE INCIDENTS. THE PUBLIC DIDN’T TAKE TOO KINDLY TO YOUR REMARKS. I was simply exercising my Right To Free Speech and Expression. There are other notable community leaders who expressed like sentiments in public. I have nothing against women strutting around in sleazy clothing – the sleezier, the better! To most sane people, it would be the Gandhian exercise of self control/self restraint – “Bhramacharianism”! Men needn’t ogle or gawk at these exhibitionists, or infringe upon their Right to Free Expression – no matter how wet or hard the tongue becomes! Our movies, our culture misdirects us into believing that Rape is an act of sex – and, so, it’s OK because she’ll relent anyway – after a few love songs. Rape is an act of POWER. It is the worst form of theft and degradation.

WELL SPOKEN, SIR! Thank you! It took quite a few hours last night to memorize that line.

MOVING ON … JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, YOU WERE WOOING THE BHARATIYA JANATA PARTY FOR LOK SABHA CANDIDATURE IN THE ONGOLE CONSTITUENCY. AND, JUST TO PLAY IT SAFE, YOU WERE ALSO KISSING UP TO THE TELUGU DESAM! MANY VIEW THE BJP AS COMMUNAL. DID YOU HAVE A SOFT SPOT FOR THE BJP WHILE IN POWER? I had a “soft spot” for anyone with political clout. It’s no secret that politicians exercise absolute control over the police. When I become a Member of Parliament, there will be no more brown nosing for me. And then, the police including the CBI can come and kiss my fat ass.

YOU CERTAINLY HAVE A POINT THERE! And you certainly have TWO! He! He! Old police joke … no offense intended!

NONE TAKEN … I SUPPOSE? NOW, MISTER REDDY … That’s me! Always ready … He! He! He!


Look, Lady! Have you forgotten the fundamental maxim of justice? The preponderance of innocence! He is innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt! While in Judicial Custody, he was looked upon as an innocent person – for 16 freaking months! You can’t get any more innocent than that. Now, on bail, he still is cloaked in innocence or so the law books say. Besides, can you count the number of lips I have on this mantastic face? ONE set of two, right? Which means I can only kiss one ass at a time to hold on to my job. The asses I was kissing were a hellofalot more powerful and potent than Jagan’s sorry little butt strutting around in prison. But I did what I could to make his life luxurious in the slammer. Hell! He had TV, mobile ‘phones, laptop, visitors galore, exercise, gourmet food from home but he stuck to simple veg. stuff – and, most of all, quality time to think, plan, strategize. What more could I have done for him? Smuggled women? Hmmm … maybe next time … Not a single day passed where I was not empathizing with his austere plight of involuntary celibacy and escalating level of testosterone in the slammer – and thanking Providence that I wasn’t his cellmate!

VERY TOUCHING …! WE WISH YOU SUCCESS IN THE ELECTION, SIR. BY THE WAY, DO YOU HAVE AN ELECTION SLOGAN? Sure do. How does this sound: “Don’t vote for Modi. Vote for me. I’m sexcular”?

Copyright 2014. All Rights Reserved. Carlisle Collins – Havepenwillwrite


July 24, 2013


Since when was it illegal to express an opinion?

Since when was it illegal to express an opinion? WTF!!

The Andhra Pradesh State police chief attributes the alarming increase in rape cases to women provoking men by wearing “flimsy and fashionable” clothing. Flanked by top police “Yes, Boss” officers, the A.P. State Director General of Police V. Dinesh Reddy, IPS, declared in a press conference that police cannot be faulted for rise in rape cases and instead blamed women for provoking people with fashionable clothing. (So, who’s gonna argue with an armed man, eh?).

This observation was seconded by Karnataka State’s Minister for Women and Child Welfare C. C. Patil who said that “women should be dignified in whatever they wear”. They should “know how much skin they should cover and avoid wearing provocative clothes”.

Curiously, Burqa sales have suddenly quadrupled with the Burqa lobby offering free Laddus to passer-by uniformed policemen and undercover policewomen wearing (what else?) Burqas.

The Police’s Logistics Department predicts a proportionate decline in rape statistics next year (and an increase in frustrated perverts on the prowl for prospective victims wearing “provocative” clothing).


Perverted PervertThe latest unwary stroller caught in the line of fire, RANJIT SINHA, Director of the Central Bureau of Investigation (CBI), made a misquoted and misinterpreted comment that ripped to shreds the urbane designer corsets of India’s vociferous squad of misandrists and others as well.

In a classic example of journalistic chicanery (you really need to check out the article), it was made to appear that the CBI Chief was drawing an analogy between legalizing gambling and enjoying rape. Check out what he was actually opining vs. public perception of his statement placed out of context:

During a CBI conference on illegal games of chance and gambling, one of the concerns that popped up was whether CBI had the muscle to enforce laws against sport gambling or should we just surrender and legalize it? Mr. Sinha, addressing the option of legalizing gambling, opines, “Do we have the enforcement? (Absent which, we should consider legalized gambling)”.  “It is very easy to say that (i.e., throw in the towel) if you can’t enforce it, it’s like saying if you can’t prevent rape, you enjoy it.”RANJIT SINHA, IPS. Director CBI

Anyone with even half a brain would construe that he was illustrating the fallacy of legitimizing two serious crimes if “we didn’t have enforcement” personnel. But the word “Rape” instinctively generates rage, especially now, in light of the fatal gang rape of a young woman riding a bus in New Delhi, and a flurry of even more perverted crimes against children being reported almost every day.

“Rape” doesn’t only generate righteous outrage in this politically inflamed climate but prompts premature prejudice. With the tougher anti-rape laws in place, all complainants are prima facie anointed a Victim Status with associated rights and privileges even before a factual determination is made on their eligibility – and opportunism thrives!

WRONG CHOICE OF WORDS, BRO! The higher you climb; more intense the scrutiny. You ought to have known that? But they don’t train you to become diplomats in the Police Academy, do they?

Not too long ago, the “F”-word was THE 4-letter bad word; now kicked to the curb by the 4-letter “R”-word! Now, THAT’S progress! But they both involve the same damn thing …


QUICK UPDATE: Dinesh retired on September 16, 2013 leaving his soiled seat of power to B PRASADA RAO, IPS, the erstwhile Director General of the State Anti-Corruption Bureau to clean up. FUTURE PLANS: Well, since he’s been toasting in the hot seat with a pending CBI investigation on charges of acquiring disproportionate assets, etcetera, etcetera, the logical recourse would be a tactical move toward immunity: POLITICS!! Wasn’t it George Bernard Shaw that once opined, “Politics is the last resort for the …” (I think he said “Statesman”; but it could have been “Scoundrel”: not sure!). Anyway, word is, he’s lobbied for support from the BJP and, just to play it safe, the TDP for a Lok Sabha seat from Ongole. Smart move, Dude! You certainly have the experience! We wish you all the very best! And thanks for being such a good sport on this blog, Bro!

©Copyright – Carlisle Collins – Havepenwillwrite – 2013 – All rights reserved.


March 25, 2013


The Abominating, Devastating, Dominating, Delhi-Belly Aching,


Government’s Decisive Response to Random Acts of Terror.


“Hell hath no fury like a Feminazi on a mission!” – Deceased (male) activist martyred in his quest for Equal Rights For Men.


  1. “SCREW THE BITCH: Divorce Tactics For Men” by Dick Hart. You can either purchase the book for around $300 from Amazon.com (Paperback: 186 pages. Publisher: Breakout Productions – June 1, 1991. ISBN-10: 1893626318. ISBN-13: 978-1893626317), or you could be a Dick and screw Dick out of his misogynistic earnings by downloading the .pdf version from Scribd.com.
  2. Now there’s another side to the story of righteous indignation where the writer, Keith Harmon Snow, alleges that US Family Courts are behind an epidemic of pedophilia & judicial abuse. Check out “A LIFE SENTENCE: U.S. FAMILY COURTS SACRIFICING MOTHERS & CHILDREN”.
  3. Also read the “work” of Wilhelm Reich (1897-1957 the Austrian psychoanalyst who theorized that sexual repression is the source of many psychological and social problems; then kiss adieu to whatever morals we mercifully still have left!

Copyright. Carlisle Collins. havepenwillwrite. 2013. All Rights Reserved.

CORRUPTION FAQ’s – What is Corruption? Promiscuity or Economic Necessity? Does it REALLY Hurt? Would KY Jelly Help …?

December 16, 2012

CORRUPTION FAQ’s – Stuff you’ve always wanted to know but were afraid to ask …


Below is my response to a comment made by Mr/Mrs./Ms (?) PLV Rao to an earlier Post “BLACK MONEY: India’s Parallel Economy”. See Link:


 “Dear Sir: Despite an element of truth in your assessment, surely India has made some rapid strides toward putting in place innovative, viable schemes that exploit our economic potential at least in the long run; this, independent of underhandedness. Yours faithfully,” etc.

Although I agree with certain parts of his/her (?) opinion (like “Dear Sir” and “Yours faithfully”), I honestly cannot do adequate justice to the statement via a brief, one-para reply; hence, with due respect, this new Post …


Dear PLV Rao: Weelll … Yes, yes! Of course … and there is a Santa Claus who comes only once a year (because his elves get nervous, otherwise!), and the Easter Bunny hides his eggs (because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s intimate with a chicken)!

Get real, Brother! Just about every door of opportunity the government is gracious enough to open up; there are scores of greedy palms gesticulating under the table for grease. Have you ever applied for any legitimate entitlement – and had to wait years to discover they “lost” the paperwork? Even a mundane business license has attached thereto some “hidden charges”.

Fruit of Poisonous TreeYour statement gives added credence to my lay opinion. The inadvertent choice of Machiavellian locution used in this context, viz. “viable SCHEMES””, “EXPLOIT”, “UNDERHANDEDNESS”, betrays a clandestine reliance on precisely these elements which influence and facilitate our economic boom. This “Freudian Slip” is a very relevant observation based upon scientific evidence that people’s word choices unconsciously reveal states of mind that they are trying to conceal; in this case, a sub-conscious admission of the indispensable role of corruption in our economic affairs.

You are right on one point: the government has indeed put in place innovative, viable schemes that exploit our economic potential, in the example below, by fleecing tourists. Call it government-sanctioned tourist traps, if you like … but of vital importance to the extortive importation of foreign exchange through the back door! Is this (incident below) what you meant by “innovative, viable schemes …”?

Once upon a time, a US Citizen came to visit historic India – and got arrested on some incredulous, trumped-up charges based exclusively upon unsubstantiated allegations. To be fair, the Police did offer him a choice to bribe his way out. But, being the principled sort (and somewhat foolishly stubborn), he refused to grease palms – which landed him ass-first in the State Guest House while his lawyer and the Prosecutor negotiated on an agreeable price not to challenge his bail petition.

That was seven years ago. And now, still on bail, minus his US Passport (with an expired Visitor’s Visa), and, until very recently (he first had to part with a couple of pink bundles of currency), absent any sign of a Charge Sheet, our disillusioned visitor remains an involuntary resident of India. His sole source of income is his foreign pension deposited in a US bank account. He uses this overseas bank’s ATM card to withdraw funds to support himself in India and placate the Criminal (in)Justice scavengers and other opportunistic parasites.

NOW LET’S DO THE MATH: I learned his net US income is in the ballpark of US $3000.00 per month (after taxes and other deductions), and he spends every dime in India (thru’ ATM withdrawals). In seven years, he has imported (7 x 12 x 3000 =) $252,000.00 in foreign exchange, which works up to a whopping Rs. 14,364,000/- !!

Holy Popped Hemorrhoids, Batman! That’s more than most big businesses pay the country in Income Tax!  This guy should be honored with a National Award, don’t you think? Well, since I was fresh out of Bharat Ratnas, I just stuck a fat cigar in his mouth, shook his hand, and tried (unsuccessfully) to talk him out of a friendly loan … !


India is one of the most “corrupt” nations in the world. This is no secret! If you’re a fiend for figures and statistics, take a look at the Global Corruption Index or the rankings inspired by Transparency International and a host of other government-funded Non-Government Organizations. But you really don’t need any such “researched” data but your own experience to form a factual opinion (since such data compilation is just as simplistic and misleading as dividing the “average” income by the “average” number of people in an “average” community to determine the Per Capita Income vs. economic development).

So, is “Corruption” beneficial? BUT OF COURSE IT IS; it’s gotta be!! Otherwise, we wouldn’t be practicing it with such spiritual zest and gusto! But before venturing forth to quantify corruption, it stands to reason that we first determine – by consensus – EXACTLY WHAT IS CORRUPTION?!

Transparency International describes it thus: “Corruption is the abuse of entrusted power for private gain. It hurts everyone who depends on the integrity of people in a position of authority.” There’s sufficient editorializing here so as to make it far less than an objective definition and more of a subjective opinion dependent upon individual (and differing) outlooks. Where one would view an act as “bribery”, the other would see it as a well-deserved “commission”, or in conformance with a generally acceptable national tradition, e.g., “inaam”, “bakshish”, “gift”, etc. Therefore, it would be “insulting” and signal “unbecoming arrogance” if one were to refuse it.Intellectual Paraplegic

Besides, if you’d have noticed, the vast majority of the masses making a hue and cry over Corruption and the “dismal” state of affairs are non-players, illiterates’/semi-literates, pseudo-righteous, jealous losers, disillusioned patriots, politicians in sheep’s clothing; those, ticked off at the “ill-gotten gains” of the successful few while they (the serfs) slog their butts off unsure whether their kids will sleep on a full belly … That’s the way it is, the way it was, and the way it’s gonna be. So, “until the proletarians revolt against the bourgeois“, I wouldn’t hold my breath for any change in the status quo. But if that ever happens, there’ll still be a “proletarian upper class”, Mr. Marx!

The Indian Penal Code 1860 (amend.), Prevention of Corruption Act 1988 (amd.), even the UN Convention Against Corruption fails to provide a uniform, precise legal definition of Corruption. The laws certainly cover a wide range of actions that could be colored as “corruption” in a colloquial sense, but for a law to be legal it needs to be unambiguous; otherwise it would be capricious and “void for vagueness”!

So, before “going to war” against this abstruse bastard (Corruption), is it not essential that the “enemy” should be identified first; failing which, many innocents will perish (and have perished) in “friendly fire”.

© Copyright 2012. Carlisle Collins. Havepenwillwrite. All Rights Reserved.


December 8, 2012


The (Indian) media was ecstatic that the “per capita income” of Indians for the first time crossed the Rs 50,000-mark in 2010-11! The “average” Indian was earning about $1000 per year (before Taxes). This should be very reassuring to Balraj, our contracted choukidar (Security Guard), as he collects his monthly gross salary of Rs. 5000/-. But, to his “average Indian” relatives living on the poverty line in the village or communal slums embellishing the city gutter, a thousand dollar income is a distant dream, and Balraj is looked up to as somewhat of a prosperous hero.

But even for people like Balraj who’re on a fixed income of Rs. 5000/- (US $100), how can one be reasonably expected to support a growing family of five, i.e., him, his pregnant wife, and three kids?

THE MEDIA LIES! Statistics are conjured up to deceive: there’s a conspicuous rift between creative computation and objective reality. Dividing the country’s national Statisticsincome by its population is no accurate reflection of its overall living conditions and quality of life. More importantly, when the base figure for the national income is in itself fallacious, all subsequent calculations would be nothing but illusory.

Consider this: The base national income is the DECLARED INCOME (also known as “White Money”). Now, who in his right senses would declare his “under the table” takings (i.e., “Black Money”). As we all know (or should know), it is this country’s Black Money that keeps us afloat in the turbulent world economy. It is Black Money that gives us buying power and, yes, STATUS!

The Winds of Change has subtly but with certainty reached our country. And we’re just ‘this close’ to having a hole blown thru’ it if we don’t watch where we’re going!

Look around you: There is nothing in the “outside world” that is not available right here in India; sometimes, at a lower price than elsewhere: state of the arts electronics, medical/diagnostic equipment, automobiles, fashion, entertainment, education, recreation, spirituality, debauchery, law, lawlessness … We’ve come to accept online shopping as a necessity rather than convenience! Currency is almost obsolete; we pay thru’ plastic. Heck, we’ve opened our doors to international retail super stores like Metro, Walmart, Carrefour , Tesco to compete in our lucrative retail market. (Of course there’s a real likelihood the international giants may have to “renegotiate” with the new government if the current UPA is replaced after the elections … But, so what? I’m sure the players were prepared for just such contingencies: “Flaunt your inaam; remain calm! It’ll go your way when you Grease their palms”).

Would this unofficial indicator of economic development been possible if we were to live within our legitimate income? Please Note: The term of reference. “WE” excludes the “average Indian” like Balraj and his slum-dwelling kin.

Let’s be realistic: An alternate, tax-free, undisclosed source of income is an absolutely essential prerequisite if we’re to enjoy an elevated standard of living; our revised national ethos being, “Live within your means even if you’re bribed to do so”.

It’s comforting to realize there isn’t a country in the world that could boast of being truly corruption free. Those naïve patriots who claim there’s no bribery in their nation, or dishonesty for personal gain are myopic. It may not be as evident at lower levels of their society, but it is most certainly there and flourishing amongst special interest groups way up the pinnacle of the pyramid – and in gigantic proportions!

Sign From AboveAs for our beloved India, and some other countries, where bribery and other fun forms of corruption are as commonplace as garam masala and coconut hair oil, corruption is everywhere but the dollar amounts involved are relatively diminutive.  Whereas a cop in the US would throw your ass in jail if you attempted to bribe him, here in India, no self respecting cop will overlook an opportunity to be bribed; failing which, he will attempt extortion – even for a paltry Rs. 50/-.

Let’s face it: Corruption is an essential part of our cultural fabric. It would be tantamount to treason if genuine, determined attempts are made to root it out.

OK? So what about the ANTI-CORRUPTION BUREAU? Is it truthfully that which its name describes it to be?

The answer is an irrevocable, resolute, vociferous, straight-faced “YES”!

The ACB is the government’s elite enforcement wing, sort of like a Desi version of Do Not Stealthe Gestapo. It functions exclusively to keep in check police personnel and other government employees from freelancing for private profit. By “freelancing for private profit”, I mean surreptitiously sabotaging the healthy flow of gratuity, circumventing the established chain of command, and diverting it into one’s very own pocket!

The ACB boasts a formidable track record of netting in the little fish (who are, in any case, dispensable). This purports to represent a deterrent; to scare the “big fish” into compliance. It also serves as a venerable vehicle to launch vendettas on whomsoever you intend to have his livelihood fornicated with.

So much for the “little fish” and “big fish”. But what about those who truly matter? The predators – THE SHARKS?

Well, my dear friends, as every Desi cop learns one time or another in his career, “He who swims in the company of sharks will one day have his ass bitten! Stick to the pond; frogs are a lot friendlier (unless you happen to be a worm)!”

Boobathi Babu, IPS - Anti Corruption BureauThis brings us to Sri D.BOOBATHI BABU,IPS, Director General of AP State Anti Corruption Bureau – an unfortunate casualty in The “War” Against Corruption (which really isn’t a “war” per se, but more of a façade to appease the gullible public).

Anyway, Sri Boobathi turned out to be yet another renegade and an embarrassment to the IPS fraternity: Being principled and a thoroughly honest guy, he took his job seriously! He resolutely stood his ground when the government suggested he overlook certain improprieties perpetrated by the local, highly influential mafia; “improprieties” of embarrassment to the ruling Congress Party since its State Committee president Botsa Satyanarayana was identified as a prime involved suspect.

The powers that be decided on a wake-up call. They promoted and transferred Boobathi’s right-hand man Kothakota Srinivasa Reddy, IPS who, as Chief of Special Investigation Team, was performing an invasive proctoscopy into the liquor scam. Boobathi’s two nominees for the vacated post were overridden by the government appointing instead Sri C. Ravi Varma, IPS. Ravi also happens to be a competent, charismatic,  “straight-up” kind of guy but, like most other veteran cops on upward mobility, he’d be gun-shy to engage Mister Government in a pissing contest!

Not to be outdone, Boobathi mothballs  Varma to administrative duties with no enforcement power or role over investigations. Whereupon, Mister Government, in a decisive “Check – Mate” move, promotes and transfers Prasada Rao, IPS as Chief of the ACB – and Boobathi goes on long leave.

So, is there an outcry; at least a faint whimper from a community “outraged” by suspicious political interference in the workings of the ACB? Naaa! It’s “business as usual” (monkey-business?), and Boobathi happens to be just another garden variety, run o’ the mill, honest cop whose career has gone to (the?) dogs!

Last I heard since writing this Post, Sri Boobathi Babu, IPS succumbed to adverse transfer as Additional Director General of Railways Police: a complex assignment to keep coolies and Ticket Collectors honest. C. Ravi Varma, IPS got what he always wanted: a transfer as Deputy Commissioner of Cyberabad Police so he can finally kick some butt! And Mister Government got back what is rightfully theirs: a free hand with impunity!

Moral of The Story, Boys & Girls: Don’t rock the boat. Corruption has earned a privileged status in our society. We can’t live without it! This, our beloved Bharat, happens to be a true-to-life WONDERLAND where, thanks to the magic wand of corruption, anything is possible in India – if you have the bucks to back your play. Heck! Walk into court with the severed head of some unfortunate bastard who ran into your knife … and walk away with bail – then take your sweet time (like 20 years) to orchestrate an acquittal!

Sleepy DickheadThe fact of the matter is we’re being desensitized about something that’s very wrong … as though resignedly succumbing to a horrible disease; i.e., “getting used to it”!

This reminds me of the guy who goes to the doctor because he has a long, ugly wart growing on his forehead. The doctor examines it and says “Oh my god! You have a rare disease: In three days you’re going to have a full-sized penis growing out of your forehead!”

“WHAT?” says the man. “Well, cut the damn thing out!”

“I can’t,” says the doctor, “It’s attached to your brain; you’d die!”

Proud Dickhead

“So you’re telling me,” says the man, “that in three days, when I get up in the morning and look in the mirror to shave, brush my teeth, comb my hair, I’m going to see a fat Dick sticking out of my forehead and staring right back at me?”

“Oh no! No! No! Don’t worry …”, assures the doc.”You won’t see anything. Your balls will cover your eyes!”

And that’s precisely what’s happening to us. We’re becoming blindfolded Dickheads! We’re being desensitized to the fact that corruption is illegal: It’s a crime, remember?

No! It used to be …!

Niccolo Machiavelli

© Copyright 2012. Carlisle Collins. Havepenwillwrite. All Rights Reserved.

MAN’S SECRET WEAPON IN THE GENDER WAR (or “Sneaky Recipes To Ensnare and Enslave Women”)

December 5, 2012


It is a sad fact of life that crimes against men (by women, of course) are on the increase. I’m not talking about petty stuff like a firm paddling when we stagger home drunk, or Whips Chainshaving our wallet picked while we lay floored on the front porch covered in vomit, or being called names and disgraced before the kids and neighbors at 2:00 am, or threatened with divorce -stuff we’d forget about anyway, come morning; or even being butt-slapped as we go fetch cold beer for the Mrs. and her yackety-yak entourage fixed on some pansy-ass culinary program on TV, etc.

No! I’m talking about SERIOUS shit like Adam-teasing, male sexual harassment at the workplace, getting promotions or a cushy job assignment commensurate with our willingness to be sexually exploited by hypersexual Madam Bosses, being publicly goosed in the lunchroom or in crowded elevators, being gang raped nonstop by a horde of gorgeous Amazonian nymphos (‘cos we’re promiscuous and “act 68like we want it …”) …  ya’know: below-the-belt stuff like that!

So, in this here “gender war”, which we (men) REALLY do not wish to partake in (mainly ‘cos we don’t stand a half-assed chance of winning nor calling it a Draw!), HOW THE FUDGE DO WE GET OUR OPPRESSORS TO EASE OFF, LEGGO THE FULL-NELSON CHOKE HOLD SO WE COULD BREATHE A Man BashingBIT? Because, let’s face it, Hombre, “ … kissing and making up …” doesn’t seem to be working anymore …! And marching to the Capital in a million-man Slutwalk and jockstrap burning seem so passé, they’re not even political statements anymore!

Of course, one alternative to an acrimonious heterosexual relationship is a homosexual one (which could as well turn out to be just as acrimonious – or worse: intensely painful!). But, on the plus side of being a traumatized faggot with a flaccid sphincter and bloody undies, it is highly unlikely your gay butt-buddy would appropriate your mobile home, or truck, or the kids (WHAT KIDS!!?), or screw you for alimony all your miserable life….

BeerSo, how can the underdog (i.e., us men) expect to exist when stifled by a demanding, oppressive, controlling, obsessive despot, who, it seems like eons ago, happened to have been the love of your life?

Now, faced with this gloomy scenario, any chance to reclaim your manhood and maybe infuse some happiness into your wretched life? Is itLove Wand possible for us to manipulate her moods, her choices, her personality … stifle her bitchiness and re-program her into becoming submissive and tolerable (if not likeable)? IS THERE ANYTHING WE COULD DO TO ROBOTIZE AND POSSESS HER?!

But why stop there? If your “Quick Fix” pill works on her, it’ll more than likely work on other women also! (Heh! Heh! Wicked Smile!!).

Hence my research into that fixation: HOW TO ATTRACT WOMEN LIKE FLIES ON SHIT HONEY!

I went through a whole pile of Black Magic books, Y’know, like Talismans, Charms, Spells, etc.,  on the subject but found these three as holding some practical promise: THE PERFUMED GARDEN, THE KAMASUTRA, and THE ANADA RANGA (Google ’em). Within the hallowed pages of these sacred text lie fascinating anecdotes to life’s diverse complexities (– which could be summarized in one scary word: WOMEN)! Aside from a plethora of sneaky routes to purloin your beloved’s affection, and advice on the art of surreptitious seduction, these treatises, to be of any real use, unfortunately require the hopeful to have a freakin’ doctorate in Botany!Boner

No matter! These “Every Man’s Dream Come True” books are the culmination of a lifetime of dedicated, ball-banging research into the (Ahem!) dark recesses of female mechanics; authoritative (?!)  encyclopedias about understanding your quarry, their particular idiosyncrasies, and sneaky methods of ensnaring and retaining them in captivity. In other words, they’re all about “what makes ‘em tick to your tock …”!

Devil Love PotionA necessary requirement is your belief in the magical power of plants, auspicious times of the day/night, and proper astronomical  factors catalytic to successful commencement and completion of your lascivious venture – all well explained; all very comprehensible!

But we have a problem here, Huston: Searching for and obtaining the goddamn plants is a pipedream! Hell! I can’t even pronounce valeriana latamansi, or cyperus pertenui,s or taberna Montana, or coronaria asarobacca!  And ” Juncifolius” would get me floored in a bar fight … B’sides, some rituals require human skulls and cadavers (which Walmart employs but does not stock as a Sale item).

Anyway, what struck me as paradoxical were the moral proselytizing and the “Product Warning Label” not to misuse your new found power over your mesmerized fan club!! But, look at it this way: If you commanded power over women; ANY WOMAN – ALL WOMEN, and you were attracting them like a magnet (You irresistible SOB, You!!), would you be in your right mind if you were to resist all that attention??  Get Real, Dude! That would be downright low, mean, and sadistic of you to lead ‘em on with wet expectations; then, after hours of heavy petting, you come up with something typically effeminate and off-color  like, “Ooh … I’m not ready for THAT just yet … Let’s just cuddle ….”. (Say What!! Byatch …!).


Chuck Norris always has sex
on the first date. Always!

Being, for the most part, a moral kind of guy; sorta’ upright and spiritual (admittedly, 98-proof), I would be derelict in my civic as well as my saintly duty if I were to omit the following advisory from its rightful mention: So, here’s a cautionary note from the ancients in case you happen to be a Rock Star, an Icon of the Silver Screen, a Zillionaire with a terminal disease, a botanist with his own private nursery; anyone who’s got women falling out of his ears and pockets …


The sacred text Anaga Ranga – Chapter VII – warns about seven damning repercussions from  banging somebody else’s wife: 1). Adultery shortens one’s life (also see #6); 2). The body becomes “spiritless” and “vigorless” (i.e., About time you got some rest, Champ!); 3). The world derides and reproaches the lover ( … those self-righteous hypocrites! Losers!); 4). He despises himself (Big-time guilt trip!); 5). His wealth greatly decreases (So, go buy cheap presents!); 6). He suffers much in this world (especially if her husband “THE MARK” comes to know!), and 7). He will suffer even more in the hereafter (i.e., Karma is such a bitch!).Fence

The Book continues with more tales of horror … “Great and powerful monarchs have ruined themselves and their realms by their desire to enjoy the wives of others … e.g., the family of the Ravana, King of Lanka (Ceylon), was destroyed because he abducted Sita, the wife of Rama … Vali lost his life for attempting to “connect” with Tara (Kishkinda-kand) … In Viratparvi  of the Mahabharat, Kichaka, the Kaurava, with all his brethren met with destruction because he wished to have Draupada, daughter of Drupad and the common wife (?!) of the Pandu brothers (Come on, Gal! One more won’t make such a big difference?)… So, let none, therefore, attempt adultery even in their thoughts.” YA RIGHTT!! [Eds. Note: They were ruined and/or destroyed ‘cos their secret little adventure wasn’t a secret after all! They were discovered – and had HELL TO PAY!!].

But, don’t be discouraged my tenacious friend! There’s still hope for us covetous bastards: So, despite all this ignominy, disgrace, and ball-shattering, nightmarish consequences, if it is absolutely necessary, nay, VITAL, for you to bone the married broad, under certain circumstances, your fantasy may be legitimized and realized ( … You lucky SOB …!).toon73

There happens to be ten progressive (regressive?) changes in the “natural state of men”, i.e., levels of “hornyness”/obsession which could lead to negate the restrictions: 1). When you’re in a state of Dhyasa (desideratum – can’t do anything except long for the broad); 2). When you’re close to losing your (one-track) mind;  3). When you’re constantly pensive on how to woo, win, and slam her into a coma;  4). When your nights are restless, devoid of refreshing sleep (‘cos you’re fantasizing while jacking-off all night!);  5). When you look haggard and withered (no rest for the wicked?);  6). When you’re becoming “shameless” in your pursuits and losing your sense of decency and decorum (e.g., strutting around in public with a hard-on?);  7). When your riches take on wings and fly (Oops!); 8). When your state of mental intoxication verges upon madness (i.e., when crazy-ass you becomes Ass-crazy); 9). When fainting fits occur (i.e., all blood leaves your big head and descends into your little head); and 10). When you find yourself approaching death (i.e., feigning suicide works!).

Whereupon, as a stellar act of humanitarianism, statesmanship, and mercy, your fantasy woman’s husband (“The Mark”!) may loan her out to you since he’d be saving your (worthless) life! Of course, as is expected of the exemplary, humble, and devoted wife, the woman will exhibit some “reluctance” but be duty bound to  obey her husband’s command (Perverts!).Mind Games

All in all, a utilitarian piece of work! Will somebody please let me know if it really works …?

Ahhh …! I shouldn’t have wasted my life studying Law! I should have been a botanist or a mortician! The possibilities (for debauchery!) would have been limitless … (… and I would have died with a big smile on my ugly face and a bullet in my back from a jealous husband)!

Imran Khan - Size Doesn't Matter

© Copyright 2012. Carlisle Collins. Havepenwillwrite. All Rights Reserved.