Of late, we’ve been getting some complaints from the tiny readership we’ve been struggling to maintain. Most complaints are from armchair adventurers and dead-beat wet blankets addressing us as Douchbags because of our conservative content and writing style, and an editorial policy based upon morals, mainstream journalism, and street-savvy smut.

One complainant had the balls to write, ‘’No one gives a flying fuck about police corruption …. Besides, we have the very best law enforcement money can buy! …. If we don’t stick our nose in their business, they won’t stick their dick in ours!’’ (Ouch, Dude! Quit with the ”ours”)!He is Right

We occasionally get letters from judicial officers expressing boredom and suggesting we perk up our legal articles/commentaries with some hardcore, ”Pole-in-da-Hole”-type state of affairs: it keeps their little friend down below maintain poise and rigid authority when pronouncing power-packed sentences! We aim to please, Your Honor: check out the sidebar Links on this site under ‘’Good Ol’ Porn: Porn Is Good For You ….’’.

Most of the complaints we get are from irate individuals who became overnight celebrities through some (unintentional) private acts which became public– newsworthy acts! Well, bearing in mind that they also have some (limited) expectations of Privacy, this writing here will provide a mechanism for redress in matters of alleged Copyright infringement or material published closer to one’s heart (or derriere).

COPYRIGHT COMPLAINTS: Only the copyright holder* or an authorized agent can file a DMCA notice.
*Copyright holder =
1) the original photographer
2) a company which contracts the material via “work-for-hire”

Please understand that we get scores of hate mail and death threats daily from dejected lovers, religious fruitcakes, PMS’ing broads, A-Type Personalities, and yet others showing symptoms of chronic constipation. And even though we do read them all (Ya Rrright!!), we cannot always reply to each concern individually (although a brief, courtesy ‘’Fuck You and Die Byatch’’ doesn’t take very long to write).

We are unable to respond to emails in any other language but Pidgin English or shorthand. We also occasionally do some Braille (but it’s gotta be nice and dark if yaknowhadimean).

Oh ShitIf you happen to be a ‘Public Figure’ whose image has been (most likely) appropriated from the public domain, please become familiar with the law on Fair Use Policy – parodies – ‘’not for commercial profit’’, etc. – and try to generate a sense of humor for crying out loud, unless you’re REALLY pissed off. In which case, get a hold of the media people who first published your purportedly objectionable matter. Also, check out our page about Copyright Law & Cartoon Parodies.

If you do not get a quick response to your mail from us, don’t have a cow, Dude. Please be patient. Do some Yoga or Transcendental Meditation, or something …. But don’t lose your cool …. We don’t want you to pop a hemorrhoid. Please understand we’re swamped yet diligently working on your problem, dig? BTW: Do not send multiple complaints on the same issue ‘cos it’ll drive us bananas, or, better yet, your messages may be marked as spam.

Each complaint must ALWAYS have at least the following information, or it WILL be ignored:

1. Identify yourself as either:
a: The person in the image or article.
b: The legal guardian of a child or dependent in the images/gallery.
c: Describing your sexual fetishes would be a Plus.

2. Please indicate the problem you wish to have resolved: e.g.,
a: My naked image is published and it shows I have a tiny ‘’thingie’’.
b: Excerpts from my Diary and Little Black Book are published mentioning details of my extra-marital homosexual affairs with little boys in church.
c: My chat room activities have been hacked; my webcam videos of self love are playing on the Internet, etc.

3. State your contact information (email address, phone number, job details, credit card information, ATM password, etc….) and send some revealing, uncensored pics PLEASE! Smuttier the better! We are true connoisseurs of Free Thinking Artistic Expression (i.e., Porn).

4. Tell us why you find the subject material offensive – e.g., bitter divorce, incestuous childhood, abusive parents, social reject, low self esteem, bullied in school, buttfucked in college, erectile dysfunction, suffering from TPS (Tiny Penis Syndrome), Pedophilia, Gonorrhea, Diarrhea, Pyorrhea, popped hemorrhoids, etc., ….. Give us all the sordid details: Names, What, When, Where, With Whom, Why, How, and WTF. Send some more revealing pics as evidence – smuttier the better!

REST ASSURED: We take readers’ suggestions and complaints very seriously. We also seriously have available a full-time serious pervert who gets a serious kick reviewing serious smut mail. We will venture to do our very freakin’ best to resolve the matter probably as soon as we can possibly get to it excluding holidays.

‘Till then: Peace & Love! Shaloom!

Copyright Carlisle Collins. havepenwillwrite. 2015. All Rights Reserved.


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