A DELUSIONAL INTERVIEW WITH THE CALIPH OF BAGDAD

October 19, 2014

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ALL’ JIZZNBEER-AHH NUTSWORK EXCLUSIVE!!

A DELUSIONAL INTERVIEW WITH THE CALIPH OF BAGDAD

(at his secret retreat in the Monte Carlo Hilton)

Q: Firstly Sir, let me thank you for taking time off your busy schedule and granting this exclusive interview.
CALIPH: OK. Go ahead. I’m waiting …
Q: Excuse me …?
CALIPH: You asked for permission to thank me… Remember?
Q: Oh yes .. I am very grateful for this unique honor, Sir.
CALIPH: Words. Merely words. Why don’t you Westerner infidels back your words up with action? Demonstrate your freakin’ gratitude!!Caliph
Q: Well, I promise to write a word by word, honest account of our meeting, Sir. How else can I thank you …?
CALIPH: On your freakin’ knees, Peckerwood! Drop your shorts and come to Daddy! Y’know, Big-Daddy! “Bagdadi”, get it?!
Q: Uh! Can’t this wait ‘till later? Can’t we talk first …
CALIPH: Like, “get to know each other first … break the ice … verbal foreplay …”? Ya. There’s no rush … You Westerners procrastinate the inevitable by time-wasting, yip yap cockteasing. OK … I understand. See? I’m so very understanding! Now talk!
Q: Well Sir. We in the West are curious to know what exactly you want. Surely your agenda goes beyond establishing a Caliphate. You could have done so in some piddly little village with majority rule. What’s with this expansionist policy seizing military bases, sophisticated weaponry, summary execution of captives …. What gives, eh?
CALIPH: I’ll sum it up in two words: Affirmative Action – Equal Opportunity.
Q: Those are four words!
CALIPH: Not when I say they aren’t! Listen, Limpdick! We are simple law abiding people here who just happen to be a “minority group” as defined by Law – YOUR LAW! Affirmative action is intended to promote the opportunities of minority groups within a society … to give them equal access to that of the majority population. Are you with me so far?National Executions Academy_2
Q: Yea … but I’m trying to figure out where this is headed. “Law abiding”? How do you figure that?
CALIPH: We’ve always idolized the Rule of Law that America symbolizes. If you make an objective assessment of the US’s Rule of Law in action within their sovereign border as well as overseas, you will realize a striking similarity between our responses when dealing with dissent. You could say we’re moving closer to the US model of dealing with shit-stirrers, and certainly making a good faith effort to emulate US Policy.
Q: I really don’t see how …. Do you have a Constitution?
CALIPH: You’re talking to him, Morning-Breath! Besides, unlike republics, democracies are fragile; they’re designed to fail – and give way to dictatorship! But that’s beyond your comprehension so I’ll keep it simple … Let me illustrate the similarity between your President Obumba and an aspiring visionary such as I. My domain is the Caliphate; yours is a Police State. O’Bumbo is a caliph in his own right with broad executive powers over his people. But he did it by guile, smooth talk, bullshitting, inspiring fear of a purported external threat to the country, and butt kissing the naïve electorate. Man … What a limp-wristed woosie!! Me? I did the macho thing: I just seized it! And there ain’t no pussy-faced moddafokka gonna to take it away either! But I gotta hand it to that O’Beamer dude: He’s a smoothie … He could sell sand to a Bedouin and make a profit. Look what he did to that fella in Saudi … the silver-tongued devil … must have pummeled those callipygian cuties in Yale right into a Delta Kappa Epsilon coma … Sorry. Just thinking out loud… Now, where was I …?
Q: I think you were expressing regrets not having opportunity to pummel those callipygian cuties at Yale into a Delta Kappa Epsilon coma …?
CALIPH: Ya well, our indigenous variety are a hellofalot better stacked; b’sides, over here, you don’t lose your motor home if she decides to bring out her “inner bitch” …
Q: But, what about your tent?
CALIPH: They can have mine. .. Got it from K-Mart. It’s old, raggedy, made in China; cost me forty bucks on Closeout!.
Q: You were talking about Equal Opportunity before we got sidetracked. How is that relevant to your mission?
CALIPH: What a dumbass question! You numbskulls need to go out more, meet people, do some reading, watch the freaking news every now and then … Don’t you see what’s going on around the world? Which version of Truth do you report? You don’t happen to work for PRAVDA, do you?
Q: Fox News.
CALIPH: Same thing! Government vehicles of propaganda. Anyway, this is our position: What gives the US government authority to stifle dissent, albeit, through “legislation”, among its own people a la Adolph Hitler and Nazi Germany? What gives the US government right to invade other countries? What gives the US government right to massacre thousands through wars outside its borders? What gives the US government right to displace lawful governments and appoint its puppet regime instead? What gives the US government right to steal strategic resources from other countries?

School PicNOT A FREAKIN‘ THING!!

But these atrocities are “legitimized” through effective propaganda and a conspiring media. And, of course, a thumb-sucking, gullible populace. Like I said, we’re a private, non-interfering, law abiding group. Did we interfere in the massacre of Native Americans or the millions during World War I and II? Did we interfere in the US invasion of Vietnam and the slaughter of thousands by US troops? Did we not emulate the US by remaining silent spectators to Nazi abominations against Jews and their European neighbors, or the more recent eugenics in Croatia/Serbia? Closer to home, did we offer any resistance to the recent US inspired overthrow of the Libyan or Egyptian governments? Or the US supported victimization of our Palestinian brethren? Did we interfere in the US invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq….. etc., etc. Well, to be fair, maybe some of our fighters did, but not this, my State, per se. We didn’t even exist back then … no’wumsayin?

Our position is THE US DOES NOT HAVE EXCLUSIVE RIGHT TO PROVOKE WARS AND KILL!! We just wanna join in the fun – and the world can grab a ringside seat and see that we are ahellofalot better than the Westerner infidels in killing our people. And we do it with BALLS: face to masked face (a la Zorro), mano a mano, not like those dickless cowards in the sky  ….. May the fleas from a hundred camels party in their groin …
Q: Makes sense … kind of …. But what’s puzzling is your wars are against your Moslem neighbors and both sides yell, “Allah Ho Akbar” (Allah Is Great). So, whose side is Allah on?
CALIPH: Obviously, on the side of the victors.
Q: What would happen if you lost these wars?
CALIPH: You’ll be dealing with an endlessly metastasizing and metamorphosing spiritually and morally conservative communities such as ours. We’ll just surface under a different name, carry a different banner, and join you cussing out this, my State; our mission, however, will remain pretty much the same … One God_One Lawnowhumsayin?
Q: But the word is, your fighters are taking a horrendous kicking on several fronts …
CALIPH: Victory for Allah is our final goal, and the road to victory is paved with the blood of martyrs and of those who get in our way – also camel dung, to be quite honest … Loads of camel poop, you won’t believe! Don’t go for the crap they dish out on National Geographic or the Discovery Channel. They paint the desert with romanticism, as an “endless sea of pristine sedimentation, unadulterated through countless generations of self purifying wind …wah …wah … wah …” . What a load of bull hoinkery! Hah! Believe you me, there’s nothing “purifying” when camels break wind; and nothing “pristine” about camel dung. This desert has generations upon generation of camel shit circulating with sand in the air we breathe. Some swear it adds a certain Bedouin flavor to our cooking … Now, where was I? Oh yes … the road to Vegas lined with bloody camel poop …? Damn … I plain forgot!
Q: Moving on, Sir: In Islam, isn’t it a mortal sin to kill “Believers”; and don’t Christians and Jews also worship the same Creator – but call Him by a different name? More importantly, what began as a sectarian Sunni versus Shia conflict, how do you justify the killing of your fellow Sunni brethren who are rightfully defending their homes, families, sovereign identity? Doesn’t the Quran prohibit forced conversions and abhor slavery? Didn’t Prophet Mohammad decree the Rules of War and banned the persecution of women, children, old folk, and those who do not fight against you?
CALIPH: Hey! Will ya freakin’ quit with the trick questions! OK?! Look! I don’t have the time or patience to explain Islamic Theology to you and be trapped in a discussion that’ll have Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on my door every Sunday morning.
Q: But I’m Mormon.
CALIPH: Even worse …! Suffice it to say, there is no god but God. Islam has been, is, and will be the religion of God since Adam, Noah, Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, Jacob, Job, Jonah, Aaron, Solomon, David, Moses, Jesus, and, the final Seal of all Prophets, Mohammad, (Peace Be Upon All Prophets). One God – One Law! Through time, His Laws as embodied in the Holy Zabur, the Holy Torah, and the Holy Injeel (Bible), were gradually perfected and enshrined in the Holy Qur’an. Yes! Every Prophet’s followers are Believers, but every Prophet foretold the coming of the next to follow, who would convey God’s Will to change or amend His laws. ‘Esa (Jesus) foretold the coming of the Last Prophet Mohammed (Peace Be Upon Them All) who delivered the final Code of Conduct – The Shariat – that Allah expects of all mankind. A “believer” whose conduct is tangential to the Shariat is no Believer, but an apostate, an infidel; more so, the pseudo-“believer” who conspires and forms alliances with those who raise the sword against Allah and His Holy Prophets! These are the enemies of Allah – therefore, our enemies! And Victory as foretold, when it is won, will not be ours, but Allah’s. So, you see, just like Georgie Sr. and Jr., the Rockmefellas, the Wrathchilds, and their cronies, we’re also hep on A New World Order – OURS!!
Q: You haven’t explained forced conversions, the killing of women and kids, etc. When will the killing stop. Do you see any end to this conflict?
CALIPH: I can’t handle more than one trick question at a time, Pilgrim! Alright? About the killings, I’m nowhere even close to the Guinness Record what with stalwarts like Genghis Khan, Montezuma, Pope Innocent III and his Inquisition buddies, King Dick and the Crusades (sounds like a R&R band, eh?), Stalin, Hitler, Mao Zedung, the Bush legacy, Ben Nutsanyahoo; not to forget the legendary Cecil B. DeMille (Didn’t ya ever watch his movies? Man …! That mowfow killed a zillion in just a few hours … Now, that’s far freakin’ out, Dude …)!. So, why make such a big deal about me? I’m the little guy, remember – just starting off? Like I said, we’re just emulating US foreign policy. When they stop killing and provoking people to kill. We will follow suit – Honest! Cross my Beheadheart!
Q: But we fear, by that time, you just might take over the Middle East, Europe, and America …
CALIPH: Yea. I saw that movie, too …. Well, if that’s the only way to stop the madness and restore peace, so be it! Heck … I could even be in for the Nobel Prize or an Oscar!! You could view this as “A War For Peace“!
Q: But, isn’t fighting “A War For Peace” like “Fucking For Virginity”?
CALIPH: You mean there are still some running around? Virgins …? Where? I have a message for them: “THANKS FOR NOTHING“!! Now go report the truth. Remember, the last red headed stepchild who lied, lost his head … Kinda’ gives a new meaning to the term, “Gimme some head, Byatch”, eh?
Q: Gulp! One final question, Sir. Your manner of speaking betrays a hint of “Americanization”. Did you happen to pick up some “Americanese” in the United States; or, maybe, from some missionary in the local gutter … ?
Feel_LuckyCALIPH: Nope! Never been to the States, but I’d like to check out the cathouses in Carson City someday; that is, IF O’Bummer’s liberal immigration policy is still around – and if this damn bounty on my head is ever lifted. Failing which, I could always switch to Plan B: Sneak across the border as a Mexican hopeful, mi cariño – sell crank to gringos, comprende …? Viva La Raza …!! And, NO. “Missionary Style” is really not my style. I picked up English watching Clint Eastwood movies …. So, do you feel lucky, Punk? Well, DO YA? Now, go ahead … make me doink!

Torture

Copyright 2014. Carlisle Collins. havepenwillwrite. All Rights Reserved.


OSAMA BEN LAID’N – DUMPED: NO REST FOR THE WICKED!

May 17, 2011

Yahoo India quoted “CIA sources” that “’Obsessed’ bin Laden was plotting to assassinate Obama during 2012 US elections

(London, May 13(ANI):  ANI – Sat, May 14, 2011)

Amidst the usual bullshit that would have difficulty in making a believer of a 5th Grade Dropout, the CIA apparently uncovered some “extraordinary details” from the “enormous cache of intelligence” seized from allegedly Ben’s compound in Abbottabad; more importantly, videographed evidence of his “disgust” at Obama’s image on TV – so he’d flip the channel to something more appealing – any freaking thing, but Obama; like, maybe, the mayhem in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Libya, Somalia, Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, secret CIA prisons, the arrests and seizure of documents of American war protestors …. You know …Fun things like that! Too bad they don’t show porn on Pakistan TV ….

Obviously the old coot was reacting defensively to symptoms of “Boogeyman Phobia”.  Remember? As kids, we’re told, “Close your eyes and he will disappear; flip the Channel and …..” you’ll really flip him off! And it did!

We’re told the US government’s newly released videos (May 7, 2011) are online. Funny thing is, they do not show Bin Laden at all! Strange … and “Bin Laden’s” compound is now also very conveniently scheduled for total destruction! Isn’t there a law against tampering with evidence? Ooh! But that was in the “Good ol’ Days” …

OK, so “Bin Laden’s” killing was justifiable homicide, sorta’ like a precautionary self-defense move: “Do unto others before they do unto you!” After all, we’re talking about a megalomaniac responsible for the death of thousands of innocent people; men women, children, bovines, poultry, domestic pets, shemales, transvestites, fellow citizens ….  NO! NO! Not George Bush and his cronies; nor Uncle Tommy el Presidente! We’re talking OSAMA!! Now STAY FOCUSED, WILL YA?!

Precautionary self-defense! Yup!! Likely story … Sufficient justification to kill an unarmed, old man watching TV, a women, and others, right in front of a 12 year old child – absent due process and the Rule of Law!! And then dump the evidence (WHAT EVIDENCE??!!) in the ocean – per “Islamic Rites”, of course! And Medal of Honor for the bravest that peed on the corpse first before the Celebrated Adieu – a la Islam!

Ahh… those Bedroom Eyes, Champagne Sandals, and Traffic-Stopping Packaging – gesturing minimum size preference! Too bad I don’t qualify …

President Lincoln once said, “You can fool some people all the time …” which apparently mushroomed into US National Policy, “ and these are the morons to be worked on …!” Come on! Surely el Presidente Odumbo can come up with a more credible line than painting a picture of “Self Defense – Revenge – Clear and Present Danger” that would put Pablo Picasso to shame?

They must be visualizing us with hand-rolled Beedis tucked behind our ear like illiterate, ignorant villagers feeling for boogers in our nostrils. Maybe that’s what we truly ARE! We feed on whatever the partisan media defecates upon us.

I recall Benazir Bhutto (RIP) stating publicly that Osama died years ago; that it was critical for the US to keep their people in fear of “Public Enemy #1”! Not that Benazir was any more credible than the other jokers, but you know what they say about “deathbed confessions …” (and a sacrilegious waste of godawesome meat! Sigh …).

Now, who’s in the running to fill that vacant position? Amrika needs a new Boogyman! How else can they unite their bankrupt, moronic citizenry into indignation and aggression, eh? Word is, China is tops on the list for “Human Rights Violations” – like the kettle calling the lamp “Black”! Besides, with 2 TRILLION Dollars in debt to China, ” … ya really think I’m juss gonna fork over the ducats when the little Chinaman comes to collect?? Ya gotta be shittin’ me, Holms!

POPULAR LIBYAN DICTATOR Muammar Gaddafi, also known as “DA COLONEL”, is towed by highly trained (and nervous) Traffic- Buster musclemen. Bravely kicking caution to the curb while rolling merrily along the back streets of Benghazi yelling, “Wheee … Come on! Faster … Faster …” in a state of the art, bullet proof, bomb-proof, people-proof, highly maneuverable Presidential golf cart he borrowed from his grand kid, Da Colonel was overheard announcing “Da Beeplez Loves me – ALL da Beebolz – day fill die for me …” as he waved around the pink Carnation he picked up at a discount store earlier. NOTE: KFC denies any connection between Muammar and their Trade Mark white bearded, Confederate-looking Chicken Boner whether or not their private fetishes may betray similarities ….

Remember the several stand-in doubles Fidel Castro recruited to impersonate himself fearing assassination? Saddam was ponying up on the same stratagem; so are many other “world leaders” fearing incontinence!

It didn’t work for Saddam, though!  Saddam was arrested and tried in court publicly; a kangaroo court, but a court, nevertheless. WE SAW HIM DIE!! So, who was this unfortunate stooge the brave Navy Seals murdered and caused to vanish?

Heck! Stick a fake, white beard on my ugly mug and I could pass for Ben! NO, WAIT!! On second thought: DON’T! I might be honored by a nocturnal visit from the brave Navy Seals while I’m switching channels on my rinky-dink TV. I’m too young to die and too damned ugly to be sodomized and end up as fish food!

Now juss waidamawfokinminute heah, Pilgrim”, you say! “Where there’s no victim, there’s no crime!” Case Dismissed!

OK! So if the “real” Osama is dead, there’s no longer any justification for US presence in Afghanistan/Pakistan/Iraq. Isn’t that why they went there in the first place searching for Ben? Right? WRONG! Just give their think tanks some time to come up with a reason to flex muscle in China, Russia, Pak., India, Libya, Iran, Tajikistan, …. but Hate has to be mobilized first, before Washington can move the masses of intellectual paraplegic patriots to war. No big deal …. Been there! Done that!

There’s a new “Defense Authorization Bill” on the Senate Floor to be voted on next month: It will give ANY US President blanket, unfettered powers to single-handedly use military force whenever he/she sees fit. It would “lawfully” involve US in even more military  conflicts without clear enemies, geographic boundaries, or any specific objectives to be achieved.

This “Bin Laden” façade is just the tip of the iceberg of more misery to come! And more BS justifying it!

Actually, justification is not really necessary with an ignoramus citizenship around. All that’s needed is a Commander in Chief with an industrial-size hard-on and desire to stick it deep in the country, any country of his liking, look ‘em in the eyes and whisper, “Better be liking it, Byatch!

But isn’t it customary to kiss ‘em first?Weelll … Consider yourself kissed, Peckerwood! Now be a good boy, drop your shorts, and grab your ankles ‘cos Big Daddy can’t wait no longer ….!

Bush in the bush!

 

BALL-BUSTING NEWS FROM THE WHADDAFUDGE BROADCUSSING NUTWORK:

Washington, June 18 (ANI): US District Court judge Lewis Kaplan issued an order officially dismissing all criminal charges against Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden following his death in a military raid on his “hideout” in Pakistan. The Order, ‘nolle prosequi’, in Latin means ‘do not prosecute’: A logical move since the “Defendant” either died years ago or was recently processed into gourmet fish food (Burp!) and cannot appear in court to defend himself. B’sides, we wouldn’t want to implicate the REAL culprits, do we?

OK! So what does all this mean in practical terms to us intellectual paraplegics? That (the REAL) bin Laden wasn’t factually involved in all this terrorism mish mash? That the price of acquittal for allegedly heinous crimes is the murder of an anonymous old fart flipping channels on a rinky-dink TV in a rundown dump in Abbotabad? Specifically, WHO filed the Quash Petition or was the decision suo moto? What was the justification for dismissal? Was the justification just or just one of those “turn the other (butt) cheek” and let bygones be bygones in true Christian spirit?  Do US Taxpayers get a rebatefor financing wars against alleged terrorists who were to be acquitted anyway? Will the World Economy release their ankle-grabbing grip and rinse off the hemorrhoid-popping US refuse from our derrières? Do they serve US sausages in Pakistan; if so, where do they stick ‘em? Is there REALLY a Santa Claus and does he cum only once a year? Is there a Mrs. Claus or is Santa comfy just with his elves  …. So many unanswered

questions and even more gullible idiots waiting for a halfway credible answer …. The Saga continues …

It’s Good To Be King …

Someone ought’a make a movie outta this entire dog poop: a comedy! (Mel Brooks! Can you hear me?).

COPYRIGHT Carlisle Collins 2011. All Rights Reserved.


LETTER FROM A TERRORIST IN AFGHANISTAN: HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

February 17, 2011

This just in from Wikyslick: Intercepted cable to AL MUHARRIBUNA WA MUSHRIKEEN’AL-ISLAAM.

To: His Divine Excellency Rasgulla-ben-Bulla, Supreme Commander

AL MUHARRIBUNA WA MUSHRIKEEN’AL-ISLAAM

Secret Palace #786, Monte Carlo

As Salaam-u-Aleikum! Peace be upon thee O Great and Noble Commander:

Please find it in your heart to forgive this lowlife serf for approaching Your Excellency in such a direct and impertinent manner while Your Excellency and Your Excellency’s six wives and eight concubines as well as Your Excellency’s confidential aides are busy planning out our next Jihad in that God-forsaken wasteland of Monte Carlo.

Please understand that I would have never bothered Your Excellency but since I am #23 #19 on The Martyr List, and fast approaching the coveted #1 spot, I am rightfully anxious to have a few questions answered before I meet my Creator, which none of my upward Chain of Command seems to have a plausible answer to; in fact, they have no answer at all. Therefore, with great humbleness (and due caution), I am appealing to Your Excellency’s statesmanship (and tolerance) to grant this lowlife serf a few moments of Your Excellency’s precious time.

Firstly, when my younger brother Abdul and I were recruited from our little village south of Kharan, my widowed mother was promised US $200 for each upon us completing Initiation Training at the Martyr Academy of North West Frontier.  We completed our training Magna Cum Laude 6 months ago and my mother states she hasn’t seen a dime as yet.  We have three preadolescent sisters that forage around for food. Our mother is prematurely aged and sick; our men folk are all but gone now that my brother Abdul was privileged last month and I am #19 #12 on the Waiting List!  Such is the situation of four other families in our village. Our Regional Recruiter is nowhere around to answer questions. I am sure he is doing more important things, like recruiting.  I beg Your Excellency for Your Excellency’s kind intervention before our remaining family is martyred through starvation.

2. I am not a Scholar of Islam but I did read the Holy Quran and some A’Hadeeth Recorded Sayings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad (May Peace and Blessings of the All Mighty be Upon him, his family and companions – PBUH) wherein the Rules of War are spelled out very clearly. Specifically, it is stated that women, children, old folks and those who are unarmed and not in battle against you should be spared. I am certain there are many other Commands pertaining to war that I have failed to mention. Yet we have been indiscriminately targeting the civilian population, public transportation, civic events and receiving some damning media attention as wells as bequeathing our Muslim brethren and Islam with a villainous reputation worldwide.  In fact, the Holy Quran prescribes the most severe punishment for Terrorism: our Crime of Hiraba – spreading discord upon the Land. Hence lays my confusion. My Platoon Commander states I do not have a “Right To Know” just yet; “but in time, I will”.  Well, “time” is running out since I am now #12 #9 on The List. I really need to know this quickly. It will make me feel good as I detonate my Ticket To Paradise during the Lakers Game next Monday.

3. All Mighty Allah has stated in the Holy Quraan that there are two sins He will never forgive. One: Ascribing partners to Him. Two: The unjustified taking of a Believer’s life. Your Excellency will acknowledge that most all lives our Jihad has claimed so far are those of Believers: Muslims, People of The Scriptures – the Ummah of Prophet Eisa (PBUH), and the Ummah of Prophet Moosa (PBUH). These are all “Believers” of Allah and The Day of Resurrection when “each shall be judged by their Book”. I fear that Day “when no soul shall be wronged”.  I beg of Your Excellency’s immense wisdom to please set my mind and heart at ease since, pursuant to Your Excellency’s command, I shall be right in the midst of unarmed Believers when I give them a “cliff-hanger ending” to the ball game.

Finally, if ours is indeed “War”, why don’t we show ourselves to the enemy, look them in the eyes, and confront them?  Last week we beheaded one of our (former) brethren for equating us to cowardly maggots. (Ex-)Brother Jamal had a reputation of being able to handle US Marines with one hand! But we haven’t as yet seen any US Marines with one hand. Anyway, all we had was a dull kitchen knife and much elbow grease to do the job. This brings another important matter to mind: Jihad Equipment. We desperately need some knife sharpeners and, if it’s not asking for too much, how about some of those cool SOG survival knives? You know, the half-serrated kind with hollow handles, compass, waterproof matches to light up our Hash, and a neat little fishing kit with hooks, sinkers and stuff. Always wanted one for Christmas.

I have several other important questions and issues that I would very much like to bring to Your Excellency’s wise attention, but time is running out since I am now #9 #5 on The List.

I am now being called for briefing. Does Your Excellency have any messages for Allah? I’ll be meeting up with Him soon at the Astrodome.

One Last Request: Please convey my love to my family. Please provide for them, as promised. AND PLEASE BAIL ME OUT IF I AM DESTINED FOR HELL.

Respectfully,

Your Lowlife Serf:  SERFUDDIN.

BREAKING NEWS:

Al Jazzbeera Nutwork reports a series of explosions that obliterated a major terrorist training camp some miles South West of Kandahar, Afghanistan late last week. Reliable sources indicate a body bomb accidentally detonated in the midst of a mandatory American Slang For Terrorists 101 Class while students attempted to decipher instructions, which were in English. “This, by itself, wouldn’t have caused as many casualties,” opined the lone survivor, “if someone hadn’t yelled GIT DOUN!!  Whereupon, everyone sprang up and danced the jig …”.

©Copyright. Carlisle Collins 2011. All Rights Reserved


THE PROTECTION OF WOMEN FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ACT 2005 … – Evil no longer lurking in the shadows!

June 6, 2009

WARNING: ADULT THEME – SOME ADULT CONTENT (Viewer IN-discretion Advised).

Henpecked husbands require Madam’s prior consent …

GC_BC

Kneel

A major step backward for gender equality; A giant leap forward for Male Enslavement:     “Oh! Oh! Grab your ankles, guys! Here comes Dominatrix! Pray it doesn’t hurt!”

Barb Wire MAKING AMENDS FOR “MALE DOMINATION” AND “FEMALE SERVITUDE”?

The issues the ‘law’ sets out to abate are cultural fallouts of the medieval if not prehistoric era. Almost all civilized societies regard domestic violence toward women a serious and expensive impediment to progress; in fact, quite rightfully, a punishable crime.

The problem I see with this ‘law’ is in the manner in which it is written and the choice of non-standard locution that betrays gender biased intent. Women are not the exclusive victims of domestic abuse/violence. The crime is nondiscriminating and applicable across the board to all cohabitants (combatants?) regardless of gender and age. But with more and even more laws popping up that twist the interpretation of “Domestic Abuse”, “Domestic Violence”, “Aggrieved Victim”, “degrading” treatment, etc., etc., ad infinitum and commandeer its applicability as well as enforcement mandates almost exclusively to benefit women, therein is created a favorable climate for rampant abuse, extortion, corruption and imbalanced, carte blanc power to suppress voices in protest.

So, IS THIS ‘LAW’ LEGAL? Please read on …

834elub[1]

I was recently approached by a lawyer acquaintance soliciting my input on the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act 2005; ideas on how to put some ‘bite’ in the Law (as if its claws, fangs, muscle and determination is coming a bit short of expectations). Below is a brief text of my response. Plz let me know if  I’m way off the mark …

Barb Wire

NECESSARY (CYA) WEASEL DISCLAIMER:

My thoughts hereunder should not be interpreted as advice of any sort; it is merely an opinion (and everyone has one of those!). The intent is to put it out to affected victims in the community and provoke some serious deliberations on this important legislation which, I believe, dilutes constitutional guarantees of Privacy, impacts radically upon one’s views about matrimony, and contaminates the integrity of the ‘traditional’ family unit – and, yet again, puts on exhibit the unique wisdom of our chosen legislators.

VASELINE COATED SPINOSE SUPPOSITORY: “Ouch”!

Prickly Heat: Once Upon a Spinose Afternoon in the Desert

It seems that previous legislation of similar color, which were discretely tucked away in secret crevices of laws of equity (more notably the lopsided provisions of 498a IPC), have now shredded their outer dermis of purported sanctimoniousness, fair play, balance and mushroomed way out of proportion into a distinctly partial, menacing, gender-biased, reptilian Goliath slithering ruthlessly toward a sinister agenda; The agenda being far from achieving equality before the law, but discriminatory, gender-privileged treatment as a “lawful” right (sanctioned contrary to the spirit of law).

REVENGE BY PROXY: “How to be a self-serving control freak and mess up your home life in a few easy steps just like we did”!!  by Pritti Predator & Assoc.

Even more ridiculous is the fact that the role-model torch bearers of this ‘law’ generally come from a background of failed, acrimonious marriages with an axe to grind, bequeathing their married kinfolk with strategic ‘Tips & Tricks’ and the ‘tools’ (whips and chains!) to create domestic harmony! Wouldn’t you say the intrinsic elements giving form to this proposal is facially flawed and a lot less credible than the treatise, “The Joys of Sex” if written by a virgin?

This ‘law’ reflects an authorship of embittered rejects from the institution of marriage taking yet another retaliatory shot thru’ yet another redundant ‘law’.  Although the purported justification/social necessity, etc., influencing enactment certainly appear honorable and benign, the wording betrays deeper surreptitious motives and partisanship. Under this sly façade is concealed, not just the TRUE motives for gender one-upmanship, but far reaching social consequences that as yet have not been responsibly assessed or explored in terms of adverseness or collective benefit.

A cursory, unbiased reading of this “Law” (See Link: http://mahilaayog.maharashtra.gov.in/new/pdf/domestic_voilence_act_05.pdf ,

http://www.rediff.com/news/2006/nov/01spec.htm) , will convince anyone that it offers the woman a ‘free ride’: laxity, even exemption from her domestic/marital responsibilities, and blanket immunity from any manner of consequential remonstration whatsoever! Concurrently, it empowers her with near absolute entitlement to crack the whip at her husband and all other serfs in her newly seized domain; even have them ‘exiled’ (evicted) on any pretext and for any perceived objection, which the police and courts are enjoined to penalize long before a finding of guilt! (Let’s make room for another soiled item in the laundry list of ‘non-bailable offences’, and bid adieu to the few scattered remnants of the fundamental maxim of justice: ‘A person is innocent until proven otherwise’!).

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”:
twisted Old Proverb.

IGNORANCE BREEDS BLISSFUL VICTIMS?!

Adolph Hitler once opined, “What good fortune for governments that the people do not think …. It is a quite special secret pleasure how the people around us fail to realize what is really happening to them ….” This observation is certainly applicable here:

Our ‘chauvinistic’ men folk, have customarily been but ‘pussy-whopped pushovers’, demonstrating a proclivity toward chivalry! But, in seeing to the protection, comfort, and security of our women (as one might accord to a domesticated pet?), have also been accused of stifling womens’ potential for intellectual growth, productivity, recognition, etc., etc., and securing their shackles to the divinely decreed role of the supportive housewife. But as we move on forward with time, and align ourselves to what’s in vogue and ‘politically correct’, we cannot help but voice agreement with the hue and cry of Feminists throughout history; that Providence’s choice on the designated role for women is intrinsically discriminatory and oppressive, and should be amended thru’ majority vote (after all, there are billions of us and only ONE of Him! Right? RIGHT!!).

Women’s Rights In Islam

“OF HUMAN BONDAGE”!

Why shouldn’t women be encouraged to venture out as well, and bust their derriere working for a living? The concept of the ‘I.T. era Wife’ has long since mutated from being ‘barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen’ to the Madam that ‘wears the pants’ in the family. Women ‘wearing the pants’ is just fine with most households; the problem emanates from the difficulty of her being able to relieve herself while standing masculine and erect without making a mess of things. Sexist statement? Not really; because it generates some understanding, acceptance, if not debate on the validity of traditional leanings on gender based social roles.

And, now, if the sacrifice in working for a living is too burdensome, whyTools shouldn’t women exercise latitude to freeload off others in the extended family without so much as raising any defiant eyebrows, or usurp her husband’s residential property, as an exclusive, automatic bequeathal adjunct to matrimony? Pretty damn slick, Slick!

Doesn’t that appear to be the perfect scenario for a happy parasite? Not really! Most parasites are gluttonous; they want more, and even more until the host is drained of the last drop of livelihood and dignity. And then they move on to greener pastures: another unwary schmuck caught with his pants down!

This ‘law’ nurtures a tempting climate weakening any leanings the woman may have had on nobility, family honor, dignity, self-respect, etc., since it alters the very definition of those values and linked expectations. The PWDV Act 2005 …, masquerading as a reconciliation move toward domestic harmony, actually represents a strong-arm mechanism for predatory females to exact instant reprisal for their long years of perceived ‘servitude’ to ‘male domination’. Far from being progressive and socially productive, it possesses all the elements catalytic to empowerment of one gender over the other allowing plenty room for abuse in a nation where corruption is colloquially synonymous with justice.

ROOM FOR ARGUMENT:

I’ve always maintained there should be some room given for argument in close relationships. Arguments, within reason, are healthy for relationships. Through them, the other person is appraised of a different, alternate opinion and just how strongly one feels about it. Arguments are powerful means of communication, and a showing of one’s commitment to the mission at hand. Thru’ arguments and debate one recognizes the other’s private stance on a particular issue, learns to express themselves, and, in so doing, generates acclaim, self worth, and a rewarding feeling of participation and accomplishment.

But when arguments are let loose, un-tethered and unresponsive to reason; when, ‘communication’ is but a slanderous exchange of venom that lessens one’s worth and image, when healthy arguments are replaced by acts of intimidation, coercion, physical persuasion, cliquishness, bullying especially at a partner to whom a moral and ethical commitment was made assuring protection, security, care, we see the very same means which solidifies relationships has now assumed a frightening appearance.

Floggings

Obedience Training

With a staggering illiteracy rate, it’s no surprise such laws are routinely scrubbed into our cultural fabric with little or no attention given to consequences. To be fair, one can’t really blame our legislators; they merely reflect the voting public’s level of intellect. But, absent clearly defined standards in the ‘law’, what does our learned Judiciary have to go on by to avoid verdicts flawed by laxity and whimsical, personal prejudices that go against the grain of the Constitution they’ve sworn to protect?

“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.” Plato. How very true!

WEAPON OF MASS EMASCULATION – TERRORISM:

The PWDV Act 2005 … is realistically a functional prototype of forthcoming progressively more sophisticated and discriminatory Weapons of Mass Emasculation disguised as law and should be recognized as such. It has almost unbridled potential for fueling misunderstandings, creating unrealistic demands, poisoning relationships, and widening the gender gap at whim! This Cuffsis but one anticipated forerunner of yet others to come flaunting manicured claws, incisive fangs, and legal muscle to trample the spirit, dignity, livelihood of the majority group of tax payers (who happen to be men), and summarily stifle their indignant yelps because, now, any showing of protest is ridiculously easy to criminalize.

“Hats Off” (and “Pants Down!”) to a well planned conspiracy!

Please don’t read me wrong (Better yet, please don’t read me right!): I happen to be a card-carrying feminist to the core (VISA card) trapped in this ugly man’s body, just dying to break free from the shackles of testosterone! LMAO. Nevertheless, it is well recognized in the civilized world that such ‘Women Empowerment’ movements are vehicles of oppression piloted toward exacting perverted revenge on an entire group of individuals for error(s) attributed to some unfortunate bastard who may have ruffled the feathers, in the way distant past, of a (possibly deserving) misanthropic thespian flaunting designer crutches of victimization but set on a mission of castigation (castration?!). Why not just resort to accepted forms of political protest, e.g., bra/corset burning, for crying out loud –  PRETTY PLEASELove Handle WITH A (popped) CHERRY ON TOP – instead of giving Feminism a bad name? Just curious ….

One must agree that such extraordinary, gender biased governmental ‘controls’ are undoubtedly sanctioned acts of consanguine Terrorism: an unconstitutional intrusion into one’s private nuptial chamber holding disastrous consequences. It is excessive to say the least, and detracts from the spirit of togetherness, marital unity, and reciprocity in trust. It infuses instead the overbearing presence of intimidation and allows easy ingress to extortion, blackmail, and the distinctive pong of opportunism – not to mention it being a serious impediment to intimacy and ‘conjugal gratification’! Look at it this way: How in heck can you perform with Big Brother choreographing and critiquing your every darn move, eh? Know’wum’Sayin’? Mercy, Dudettes!!

This “Law” is deliberately over broad, ambiguous, and vacillates to a wide range of non-standard colloquialism giving rise to inferences that are just as expansive, unfocused, and individualized; from the sublime to the ridiculous! For instance, what EXACTLY  is ‘sexually degrading’ to an ‘aggrieved’ female cohabitant? Fellatio? (There’s already a law against that! It is viewed as “sex against the order of nature” per 377 IPC). Canine-Inspired Coition on ‘all fours’? (‘Law’ forthcoming, with a punitive enhancement for barking!). Un-reciprocated Genital manipulation? (Perhaps using gloves would be sufficiently impersonal not to render the act intimate or criminal!). Leaving the woman frustrated and in want? (Try the time-tested, “Oops!” or “Damn!” or “Sorry, Honey! I’ll try harder next time!”).

Favoritism

What sort of evidence would prompt a conviction: X-Rated DVD’s or the exclusive statement of the ‘aggrieved prosecutrex’ (in a similar vein as rape trials are often adjudicated) since ‘it is well established that a woman of honor will not subject herself to suffer embarrassment and public humiliation by admitting to nuptial horrors in court”? YEA RIGHT!!

TAINTED PROFITS – TRAVESTY:

The PWDV Act 2005 … has created yet another source for tainted profits by further sanctifying the entrepreneurship of extortion and blackmail. The corruption we’re finding commonplace and painful enough to deal with outside our residence, in government, ‘Justice’ Systems, etc., has now established a ‘lawful’ standing in our family relationships, our homes, and in our very bedroom!

So, what more crippling surprises are in store for the disillusioned male?

The PDV Act 2005 … is a travesty in gaudy gift-wrapping. There are already a multitude of laws covering almost all concerns the PDVA purports to address. But one must recognize the salient feature of this particularly irresponsible sham is that it is parasitic: it has annexed selected rights and protections previously accorded to all, and made them more applicable and exclusive to ‘aggrieved’ women, and their children who have not as yet developed the capacity of mature, independent reasoning.

Here’s some food for thought: Why limit these ‘protections’ exclusively to heterosexual cohabitants? Does the law consider homosexuals, lesbians, and other sections of productive society who’re inclined toward ‘alternate’ preferences as second class citizens, thus, unworthy of equal protection under the law as it has already decreed for men?102[1]

Oops! I almost forgot: existing statutes DO consider the practice of homosexuality/sodomy as being ‘against the order of nature’; thus, a punishable crime! I’m not too sure about lesbianism. It’s probably exempt from censure since it involves women trying to do a man’s job – and possibly being better at it! So go figure!

The PWDV Act 2005 is a vague “law”: it stinks of arbitrariness: THEREFORE, IT IS NO LAW! IT HAS NO LEGAL WORTH, IS VOID FOR VAGUENESS, AND SHOULD BE SUMMARILY STRICKEN DOWN.

Also check out Links: http://www.lawyersclubindia.com/articles/article_list_detail.asp?article_id=585 and “Excerpts And Judgments To Fight Domestic Violence Act Cases”. Link: http://ipc498a.wordpress.com/2008/08/16/citations-from-judgments-to-win-dv-act-cases/Barb Wiregoogoo[1]

(And now I’ll proceed to tackle the pre-defined masculine chores around the house, starting with the dirty dishes; then cooking, sweeping, mending clothes, laundry, etc., and pray the ol’ lady don’t get to read what I wrote!!). Coming, Dear …. and, YES! You’ve lost quite a bit of weight since the last time you asked me, two hours ago!”

Barb Wire

Protesters for Men’s Rights
-And One Dissident

HERE’S SOME WELCOME NEWS FOR SUBJUGATED MENFOLK:After the many years of being submerged by gender biased “laws”, cowering before female autocracy, but burrowing forward, inch by inch, toward some measure of equity, reasonableness, and justice, there’s finally a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel (no pun!). It seems someone in the Kerala Judiciary finally woke up to the cries of oppressed menfolk and anointed the PWDVA with a “Double-Edge Axe” status: they ruled that Women can also be held accountable for domestic violence and prosecuted under the Act. Other State High Courts in India (including the State of A.P’s.) are following suit.

So, what of those, fallen, victimized comrades and their kinfolk who’ve already paid a dear price at the hands of the Law (which was no law)? Should we consider them Martyrs for the Cause? Should we construct a Memorial for those unfortunate bastards? Should we reach for another beer and propose a toast in their honor …? Hmmm …So many questions that need some serious deliberation in the Men’s Room! This’ll keep me busy for a while.

Barb WirePOST SCRIPT:

I make no attempt to be politically correct or tone down my message diluting its potency, ‘in good taste’, thru’ fashionable euphemisms. If the price of ‘in-the-face’ blunt opinion is an appearance of proletarian vulgarity, so be it!  As long as my opinion carries with it elements of reasonableness and some persuasive “Oomph”!

I invite you to make an unbiased, independent, informed opinion.

I recall this passage by Professor Graves, someone I admire: “We are all of us entitled to enjoy our lives in peace and plenty. There is no reason why we can’t all of us enjoy a bountiful life without conflict or want. Too often, however, our prosperity and joy are stolen from us by the effects of law. Too often law is neither fair nor sane. Too often law is a handmaid to those who have placed themselves as rulers over us, proclaiming by legislation and court decision what’s best for us, for our families, and for our friends. Too often law is corrupt. Too often law seeks the favors of a special few and, in the process, becomes a whore or coddles the favor of the majority and becomes a fool. Too often law is little more than the decision of a mob. Too often law is a tool by which elitists seek to re-make civilization according to their private view of what’s best for all. And too often we, the people, do nothing to resist or redirect these forces that seek to steal from us our heritage of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Courtesy http://www.jurisdictionary.com/

In this context, it would be prudent to take a second look at PWDVA and decide whether this ‘law’, and similar laws, are legal!

Barb Wire

The Real Boss

© Carlisle Collins. GOOD COP – BAD COP.  www.havepenwillwrite.wordpress.com. 2009 – 2013. All Rights Reserved.