It is a sad fact of life that crimes against men (by women, of course) are on the increase. I’m not talking about petty stuff like a firm paddling when we stagger home drunk, or having our wallet picked while we lay floored on the front porch covered in vomit, or being called names and disgraced before the kids and neighbors at 2:00 am, or threatened with divorce -stuff we’d forget about anyway, come morning; or even being butt-slapped as we go fetch cold beer for the Mrs. and her yackety-yak entourage fixed on some pansy-ass culinary program on TV, etc.
No! I’m talking about SERIOUS shit like Adam-teasing, male sexual harassment at the workplace, getting promotions or a cushy job assignment commensurate with our willingness to be sexually exploited by hypersexual Madam Bosses, being publicly goosed in the lunchroom or in crowded elevators, being gang raped nonstop by a horde of gorgeous Amazonian nymphos (‘cos we’re promiscuous and “act like we want it …”) … ya’know: below-the-belt stuff like that!
So, in this here “gender war”, which we (men) REALLY do not wish to partake in (mainly ‘cos we don’t stand a half-assed chance of winning nor calling it a Draw!), HOW THE FUDGE DO WE GET OUR OPPRESSORS TO EASE OFF, LEGGO THE FULL-NELSON CHOKE HOLD SO WE COULD BREATHE A BIT? Because, let’s face it, Hombre, “ … kissing and making up …” doesn’t seem to be working anymore …! And marching to the Capital in a million-man Slutwalk and jockstrap burning seem so passé, they’re not even political statements anymore!
Of course, one alternative to an acrimonious heterosexual relationship is a homosexual one (which could as well turn out to be just as acrimonious – or worse: intensely painful!). But, on the plus side of being a traumatized faggot with a flaccid sphincter and bloody undies, it is highly unlikely your gay butt-buddy would appropriate your mobile home, or truck, or the kids (WHAT KIDS!!?), or screw you for alimony all your miserable life….
So, how can the underdog (i.e., us men) expect to exist when stifled by a demanding, oppressive, controlling, obsessive despot, who, it seems like eons ago, happened to have been the love of your life?
Now, faced with this gloomy scenario, any chance to reclaim your manhood and maybe infuse some happiness into your wretched life? Is it possible for us to manipulate her moods, her choices, her personality … stifle her bitchiness and re-program her into becoming submissive and tolerable (if not likeable)? IS THERE ANYTHING WE COULD DO TO ROBOTIZE AND POSSESS HER?!
But why stop there? If your “Quick Fix” pill works on her, it’ll more than likely work on other women also! (Heh! Heh! Wicked Smile!!).
Hence my research into that fixation: HOW TO ATTRACT WOMEN LIKE FLIES ON SHIT HONEY!
I went through a whole pile of Black Magic books, Y’know, like Talismans, Charms, Spells, etc., on the subject but found these three as holding some practical promise: THE PERFUMED GARDEN, THE KAMASUTRA, and THE ANADA RANGA (Google ’em). Within the hallowed pages of these sacred text lie fascinating anecdotes to life’s diverse complexities (– which could be summarized in one scary word: WOMEN)! Aside from a plethora of sneaky routes to purloin your beloved’s affection, and advice on the art of surreptitious seduction, these treatises, to be of any real use, unfortunately require the hopeful to have a freakin’ doctorate in Botany!
No matter! These “Every Man’s Dream Come True” books are the culmination of a lifetime of dedicated, ball-banging research into the (Ahem!) dark recesses of female mechanics; authoritative (?!) encyclopedias about understanding your quarry, their particular idiosyncrasies, and sneaky methods of ensnaring and retaining them in captivity. In other words, they’re all about “what makes ‘em tick to your tock …”!
A necessary requirement is your belief in the magical power of plants, auspicious times of the day/night, and proper astronomical factors catalytic to successful commencement and completion of your lascivious venture – all well explained; all very comprehensible!
But we have a problem here, Huston: Searching for and obtaining the goddamn plants is a pipedream! Hell! I can’t even pronounce valeriana latamansi, or cyperus pertenui,s or taberna Montana, or coronaria asarobacca! And ” Juncifolius” would get me floored in a bar fight … B’sides, some rituals require human skulls and cadavers (which Walmart employs but does not stock as a Sale item).
Anyway, what struck me as paradoxical were the moral proselytizing and the “Product Warning Label” not to misuse your new found power over your mesmerized fan club!! But, look at it this way: If you commanded power over women; ANY WOMAN – ALL WOMEN, and you were attracting them like a magnet (You irresistible SOB, You!!), would you be in your right mind if you were to resist all that attention?? Get Real, Dude! That would be downright low, mean, and sadistic of you to lead ‘em on with wet expectations; then, after hours of heavy petting, you come up with something typically effeminate and off-color like, “Ooh … I’m not ready for THAT just yet … Let’s just cuddle ….”. (Say What!! Byatch …!).
Being, for the most part, a moral kind of guy; sorta’ upright and spiritual (admittedly, 98-proof), I would be derelict in my civic as well as my saintly duty if I were to omit the following advisory from its rightful mention: So, here’s a cautionary note from the ancients in case you happen to be a Rock Star, an Icon of the Silver Screen, a Zillionaire with a terminal disease, a botanist with his own private nursery; anyone who’s got women falling out of his ears and pockets …
A WORD ABOUT INFIDELITY, ADULTERY, COVETOUSNESS (AND OTHER SUCH FUN PASTIMES):
The sacred text Anaga Ranga – Chapter VII – warns about seven damning repercussions from banging somebody else’s wife: 1). Adultery shortens one’s life (also see #6); 2). The body becomes “spiritless” and “vigorless” (i.e., About time you got some rest, Champ!); 3). The world derides and reproaches the lover ( … those self-righteous hypocrites! Losers!); 4). He despises himself (Big-time guilt trip!); 5). His wealth greatly decreases (So, go buy cheap presents!); 6). He suffers much in this world (especially if her husband “THE MARK” comes to know!), and 7). He will suffer even more in the hereafter (i.e., Karma is such a bitch!).
The Book continues with more tales of horror … “Great and powerful monarchs have ruined themselves and their realms by their desire to enjoy the wives of others … e.g., the family of the Ravana, King of Lanka (Ceylon), was destroyed because he abducted Sita, the wife of Rama … Vali lost his life for attempting to “connect” with Tara (Kishkinda-kand) … In Viratparvi of the Mahabharat, Kichaka, the Kaurava, with all his brethren met with destruction because he wished to have Draupada, daughter of Drupad and the common wife (?!) of the Pandu brothers (Come on, Gal! One more won’t make such a big difference?)… So, let none, therefore, attempt adultery even in their thoughts.” YA RIGHTT!! [Eds. Note: They were ruined and/or destroyed ‘cos their secret little adventure wasn’t a secret after all! They were discovered – and had HELL TO PAY!!].
But, don’t be discouraged my tenacious friend! There’s still hope for us covetous bastards: So, despite all this ignominy, disgrace, and ball-shattering, nightmarish consequences, if it is absolutely necessary, nay, VITAL, for you to bone the married broad, under certain circumstances, your fantasy may be legitimized and realized ( … You lucky SOB …!).
There happens to be ten progressive (regressive?) changes in the “natural state of men”, i.e., levels of “hornyness”/obsession which could lead to negate the restrictions: 1). When you’re in a state of Dhyasa (desideratum – can’t do anything except long for the broad); 2). When you’re close to losing your (one-track) mind; 3). When you’re constantly pensive on how to woo, win, and slam her into a coma; 4). When your nights are restless, devoid of refreshing sleep (‘cos you’re fantasizing while jacking-off all night!); 5). When you look haggard and withered (no rest for the wicked?); 6). When you’re becoming “shameless” in your pursuits and losing your sense of decency and decorum (e.g., strutting around in public with a hard-on?); 7). When your riches take on wings and fly (Oops!); 8). When your state of mental intoxication verges upon madness (i.e., when crazy-ass you becomes Ass-crazy); 9). When fainting fits occur (i.e., all blood leaves your big head and descends into your little head); and 10). When you find yourself approaching death (i.e., feigning suicide works!).
Whereupon, as a stellar act of humanitarianism, statesmanship, and mercy, your fantasy woman’s husband (“The Mark”!) may loan her out to you since he’d be saving your (worthless) life! Of course, as is expected of the exemplary, humble, and devoted wife, the woman will exhibit some “reluctance” but be duty bound to obey her husband’s command (Perverts!).
All in all, a utilitarian piece of work! Will somebody please let me know if it really works …?
Ahhh …! I shouldn’t have wasted my life studying Law! I should have been a botanist or a mortician! The possibilities (for debauchery!) would have been limitless … (… and I would have died with a big smile on my ugly face and a bullet in my back from a jealous husband)!
© Copyright 2012. Carlisle Collins. Havepenwillwrite. All Rights Reserved.