Late one uneventful night, while staggering aimlessly all over the web, I happened to stumble upon this ball-tickling Crime Alert Notification on the Hyderabad City Police website: HOW TO SPOT A CHEATING HUSBAND!
Now, here are a bunch of dedicated folk, our crusading crime-busters, entrusted to maintain peace, law, and some semblance of unity, order in this multi-ethnic, multi-religious, multi-political, multi-complicated city with its unique blend of misdirected conflicts, further fueling distrust and suspicion closer to home! In fact, further fueling distrust and suspicion IN OUR VERY HOMES!
Or maybe I interpreted the headline incorrectly: Perhaps it is a “Ladies Special” Notification for horny women on the lookout for cheating husbands, and this informative bulletin is meant to clue them into recognizing prospects for some discrete fun ….. See for yourself … Check out the Link:
Naa …! It does stink of an Advisory for Ladies Only: Here’s how to tell if that sonnofabitch is dipping his slimy paws in someone else’s cookie jar – you look for (Ta Daa …) “Signs of a Cheating Husband”!
Holy Smoke! As though we don’t have enough bullshit to deal with at home already, here are our friendly neighborhood cops planting seeds of suspicion in our already fragile family relationships. So, unless you’re a mechanical robot programmed to perform designated “routine” functions at specified time slots during the day, any slight (“subtle”) deviation from your “usual” habits is cause for suspicion – that you’re a no good, low down, lying sack-o-shit excuse for a husband. (OK! So what else is new, eh …?).
Obviously, this piece of journalistic vomit was authored by some embittered, PMS-ing housewife with first-hand experience and an axe to grind. No true MAN would betray his own kind … So, watch your back, Comrades, because if Madam has read this piss-n-crap, hate-mongering, criminal spray of diarrhea, you are now focused in her sights! And you can thank our helpful policia for intruding into our intimate home life.
Now, wouldn’t it be fair if our friendly Dicks (i.e., detectives) were to put out a similar advisory on cheating wives? Or maybe they’re too damn dumb to catch their wives at play, so they can’t recognize the “signs” to write about them …
Since fair-play and equity are not really what our police are known for, I thought it would be my civic duty to put my spiritual (98%-proof) rambling thoughts on paper while I’m barely sober to do so – as a free service to the majority of non-represented tax payers (who just happen to be male breadwinners).
Yes, Folks! Women do cheat! They’ve been doing it for years and have become very good at it. If statistics are any more reliable than first-hand knowledge, one out of four married women has ‘cheated’ (or WILL cheat) on her husband/spouse at least once during their relationship; and the remaining three fantasize about the possibility (which could develop into probability, then on to eventuality; finally, a FACT!). In other words, it’s just a matter of time before she moans, “Yes, Ravi, yes!! … harder … harder …” while you’re banging her into a coma – but you happen to be Vijay, and Ravi is your future ex-best friend, the slime ball …!
So either boot ‘er out while you’re still ahead or hang on to the mast while the ship capsizes!
It is not the intent of this writing to propose an answer to, “Why do women cheat”? Volumes have been devoted to attempt a definitive conclusion: there’s no singular answer; it varies and mutates into a mess of confusion. In fact, women don’t even know why women cheat … so go figure!
Psychologists Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss’s “pioneering research” on underlying sexual motivations of women; their physiological response and evolutionary emotions, uncovers an amazingly complex and nuanced portrait of female sexuality. The motivations that guide women’s sexual decisions and explain the deep-seated psychology and biology that often unwittingly drive women’s desires—sometimes in pursuit of health or pleasure, or sometimes for darker, disturbing reasons that a woman may not fully recognize nor accept.
HERE ARE SOME TYPICAL FEMALE “JUSTIFICATIONS”: … because there’s “something missing” in my marriage (Solution: the AWOL F**k)… because I just KNOW he’s doing it – or has done it – so I’m just getting even (Solution: the Equalizer F**k) … because I’m fuckin’ pissed off at that dirt-bag (Solution: the Pissed-off F**k) … because he stood me up on my birthday and had to work night (Solution: the Happy Birth-NIGHT F**k) … because he forgot it’s my birthday AGAIN (Solution: the F**k That Absent Minded Turd F**k) … because he cums too fast then hands me the vibrator while half asleep (Solution: the Speedy/Sleepy Gonzalez F**k) … he doesn’t talk to me (Solution: the Silence-Is-Golden F**k) … because he’s been an inconsiderate bastard (Solution: the Revenge F**k) … because he has a hard time ‘getting it up’ (Solution: the DOA F**k) … because I’m just bored (Solution: the Quick Buzz F**k) … I wonder what It’d be like (Solution: the Curiosity Fills My Pussy F**k) … because I haven’t had it for sooo long (Solution: the Baba RamDev-Yogic-Bhramachary F**k) … and on … and on … and on …
HERE IS THE TYPICAL MALE JUSTIFICATION: “…. ‘cos she comes stacked with ’em melons, Bro! And a godawesome ass that just won’t quit; and the slut is H.O.T!”
In a nutshell (no pun!), men cheat because we want SEX! Women cheat because they’re looking for an “emotional connection” (which happens to be a politically correct euphemism for SEX)! Men and Women cheat because we can! And all the situational dynamics that cheaters selectively bring into play are a necessary smokescreen; self-pacifying rationalization that cons the conscience into believing as valid an act that most all societies regard unacceptable; thus, to be unconditionally avoided (– particularly by women in my harem)!
Thanks to long years of ball-banging research (academic, of course!) exploring the dark (Ahem!) recesses of female vulnerability, I have discovered the single most potent projectile capable of penetrating their defenses is a lie; actually, a GOOD lie! Better yet, SEVERAL good lies!
Remember, all actions begin with a (dirty) thought! That thought needs to be empowered and propelled in a specified trajectory toward the desired target. Think “Radio Waves”! Allright, let’s simplify that: Think “Farming”! The “ground” must first be tilled before planting the seed, right? More importantly, the ground must be fertile (… well, that’s a given)! Then, the seed once planted must be nurtured into growth before it yields fruit. Finally, the fruit is ready for plucking – but you gotta wait ‘till the farmer’s away from the orchard! But, take heart … Once you’ve come this far up, the rest is easy – downhill all the way ‘cos by then you’ll have created a cooperative accomplice (i.e., your desired Target!).
But first, in the immortal words of management guru Peter Drucker, “Think MBO”! No! Not “My Body Odor”, Ya Schmuck! “Management By Objectives”! Got it? Simply put, you gotta have a Plan, Sam! And several back-up contingency plans.
But if this process is successfully sabotaged (by that slimy turd of a husband, or, even worse, a fellow scumbag competitor!), your secret mission will have met with a roadblock! Infidelity will have been contained – for now. But not to worry, Ya Sly Bastard: as is legendary the guile of women; so also the gullibility of their men – and the tenacity of the adventurous intruder. Always have Plan-B, Plan-C, Plan-D … handy, Randy! Whether you’re defending your turf or fixing to sneak up on someone else’s.
So, in order to actually RECOGNIZE telltale signs of infidelity, you must first remove your designer blinders … those she had you put on, to set you at ease and throw you off guard, i.e., your Gucci shades, Son! Your ‘machismo’! Your manly ego! Yup! “You da man – A man’s MAN”! You’re an “excellent provider, great company, an exemplary role model for the kids, and, lest I forget, a superb lover”! Furthermore, you have the bestest pecker this lady ever had. Of course, your is the only pecker she ever had (YA RRIGHT …!!).
Once you continue believing that crap, you’re bathing (solo) in your ego – and she’s bathing in someone else’s love sweat! Probably been doing it for years, you dumb schmuck!
Psychology pundits and people in the know tell us that cheaters often leave telltale signs that arouse suspicion. These could be anything from a change in their usual behavior, habits, clothes, appearance, work schedule, or unexplained phone calls and a desire for more privacy/”space”. The signs could also be more subtle, such as a change in attitude toward you, diminishing intimacy or sexual response. So, you be the judge of that.
If you have lots and lots of time on your hand and nothing really constructive to do (but work yourself into an enlightened, higher level of paranoia), you might want to look into some excellent advice on the web about snooping into the ol’ lady’s mysterious activities and other aspects of her personal goings-on. Informative articles ranging from maintaining logs of her activities by the minute and cross-checking with other data, documenting her mood swings, hiring a PI, sneaking into her purse for secret notes, numbers, hotel receipts, GPS vehicle tracking, taking a 2x daily inventory of contraceptive devices to see if any are missing, interrogating her friends and co-workers, exploring other more creative methods of defiling privacy laws, etc. You could even stock up on Semen Detection Kits (i.e., if you’re into panty sniffing and other kinky stuff, you Sicko)!
Whatever your suspicions and resultant course of action, you need to decide whether it is worth the effort to investigate, gather evidence, and confront. And then WHAT …? Keep her? Dump her? Share her …? Bear in mind that whatever proof you come up with, it serves only to confirm (or dispel) your own private suspicions. It serves not to prove to the cheater that she’s a cheater. She knows that already!
Word of advice: If you’re sinking that low on the self-esteem scale so as to digitally check for slime in her honey pot or ‘suspicious’ stains on her panties … Dude, you’ve got it coming! I wish her good luck and fulfillment in her endeavors – and a virtual bouquet of roses in admiration for putting up with your dementia.
For heaven’s sake, save what’s left of your manhood and sanity! Either dump her, or, if you still want to keep her, then let her be! There’s still happiness to be found in life even if you were to crawl under a rock and fraternize with fellow worms.
And then go visit a shrink; you’d be doing yourself and everyone else a big favor.
Copyright 2012 – Carlisle Collins – All Rights Reserved