LETTER FROM A TERRORIST IN AFGHANISTAN: HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL


This just in from Wikyslick: Intercepted cable to AL MUHARRIBUNA WA MUSHRIKEEN’AL-ISLAAM.

To: His Divine Excellency Rasgulla-ben-Bulla, Supreme Commander

AL MUHARRIBUNA WA MUSHRIKEEN’AL-ISLAAM

Secret Palace #786, Monte Carlo

As Salaam-u-Aleikum! Peace be upon thee O Great and Noble Commander:

Please find it in your heart to forgive this lowlife serf for approaching Your Excellency in such a direct and impertinent manner while Your Excellency and Your Excellency’s six wives and eight concubines as well as Your Excellency’s confidential aides are busy planning out our next Jihad in that God-forsaken wasteland of Monte Carlo.

Please understand that I would have never bothered Your Excellency but since I am #23 #19 on The Martyr List, and fast approaching the coveted #1 spot, I am rightfully anxious to have a few questions answered before I meet my Creator, which none of my upward Chain of Command seems to have a plausible answer to; in fact, they have no answer at all. Therefore, with great humbleness (and due caution), I am appealing to Your Excellency’s statesmanship (and tolerance) to grant this lowlife serf a few moments of Your Excellency’s precious time.

Firstly, when my younger brother Abdul and I were recruited from our little village south of Kharan, my widowed mother was promised US $200 for each upon us completing Initiation Training at the Martyr Academy of North West Frontier.  We completed our training Magna Cum Laude 6 months ago and my mother states she hasn’t seen a dime as yet.  We have three preadolescent sisters that forage around for food. Our mother is prematurely aged and sick; our men folk are all but gone now that my brother Abdul was privileged last month and I am #19 #12 on the Waiting List!  Such is the situation of four other families in our village. Our Regional Recruiter is nowhere around to answer questions. I am sure he is doing more important things, like recruiting.  I beg Your Excellency for Your Excellency’s kind intervention before our remaining family is martyred through starvation.

2. I am not a Scholar of Islam but I did read the Holy Quran and some A’Hadeeth Recorded Sayings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad (May Peace and Blessings of the All Mighty be Upon him, his family and companions – PBUH) wherein the Rules of War are spelled out very clearly. Specifically, it is stated that women, children, old folks and those who are unarmed and not in battle against you should be spared. I am certain there are many other Commands pertaining to war that I have failed to mention. Yet we have been indiscriminately targeting the civilian population, public transportation, civic events and receiving some damning media attention as wells as bequeathing our Muslim brethren and Islam with a villainous reputation worldwide.  In fact, the Holy Quran prescribes the most severe punishment for Terrorism: our Crime of Hiraba – spreading discord upon the Land. Hence lays my confusion. My Platoon Commander states I do not have a “Right To Know” just yet; “but in time, I will”.  Well, “time” is running out since I am now #12 #9 on The List. I really need to know this quickly. It will make me feel good as I detonate my Ticket To Paradise during the Lakers Game next Monday.

3. All Mighty Allah has stated in the Holy Quraan that there are two sins He will never forgive. One: Ascribing partners to Him. Two: The unjustified taking of a Believer’s life. Your Excellency will acknowledge that most all lives our Jihad has claimed so far are those of Believers: Muslims, People of The Scriptures – the Ummah of Prophet Eisa (PBUH), and the Ummah of Prophet Moosa (PBUH). These are all “Believers” of Allah and The Day of Resurrection when “each shall be judged by their Book”. I fear that Day “when no soul shall be wronged”.  I beg of Your Excellency’s immense wisdom to please set my mind and heart at ease since, pursuant to Your Excellency’s command, I shall be right in the midst of unarmed Believers when I give them a “cliff-hanger ending” to the ball game.

Finally, if ours is indeed “War”, why don’t we show ourselves to the enemy, look them in the eyes, and confront them?  Last week we beheaded one of our (former) brethren for equating us to cowardly maggots. (Ex-)Brother Jamal had a reputation of being able to handle US Marines with one hand! But we haven’t as yet seen any US Marines with one hand. Anyway, all we had was a dull kitchen knife and much elbow grease to do the job. This brings another important matter to mind: Jihad Equipment. We desperately need some knife sharpeners and, if it’s not asking for too much, how about some of those cool SOG survival knives? You know, the half-serrated kind with hollow handles, compass, waterproof matches to light up our Hash, and a neat little fishing kit with hooks, sinkers and stuff. Always wanted one for Christmas.

I have several other important questions and issues that I would very much like to bring to Your Excellency’s wise attention, but time is running out since I am now #9 #5 on The List.

I am now being called for briefing. Does Your Excellency have any messages for Allah? I’ll be meeting up with Him soon at the Astrodome.

One Last Request: Please convey my love to my family. Please provide for them, as promised. AND PLEASE BAIL ME OUT IF I AM DESTINED FOR HELL.

Respectfully,

Your Lowlife Serf:  SERFUDDIN.

BREAKING NEWS:

Al Jazzbeera Nutwork reports a series of explosions that obliterated a major terrorist training camp some miles South West of Kandahar, Afghanistan late last week. Reliable sources indicate a body bomb accidentally detonated in the midst of a mandatory American Slang For Terrorists 101 Class while students attempted to decipher instructions, which were in English. “This, by itself, wouldn’t have caused as many casualties,” opined the lone survivor, “if someone hadn’t yelled GIT DOUN!!  Whereupon, everyone sprang up and danced the jig …”.

©Copyright. Carlisle Collins 2011. All Rights Reserved

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5 Responses to LETTER FROM A TERRORIST IN AFGHANISTAN: HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

  1. AJ says:

    No more posts? I am going to reproduce this one on my blog. I loved it.

  2. AJ says:

    Reblogged this on Musings of a Muslim Pakistani American Mom in Riyadh and commented:
    I loved it!

  3. Thank you! You have quite an awesome blog yourself ….

  4. Shamshir Ali-Khan says:

    Mr. Calle Collyns! I find your racist remarks against Islam Fundamentalists and mainstream Muslims very objectionable, offensive, and lacking taste (which all means the same damn thing, but mentioning it thrice conveys emphasis and anoints me with that certain air of privileged literacy)! By the way, what kind of name is “Calle”? Isn’t that a canine with long hair used for herding sheep? LMAO! You better desist with islam-bashing, Pal, if you know what’s good for you. Have you ever faced the pointed end of a sword?

  5. Well, Mr. Shamshir. There is absolutely no indication here or elsewhere of Islam-bashing nor any written or purported message to incite inter-community tension. Between you, me, and the public urinal from where I get my journalistic inspiration, it’s not just Moslems: I hate ALL religions with equal intensity – which just goes to show my impartial nature. As for “Calle Collyns”, you’re mistaking it for “Collie” (even though my name Collins is represented as “Collyns” phonetically). But, no offense taken since I have, at times, been called “Dog” – a label I wore with pride! But that was in my heydays when I had nothing better to do than go around breaking women’s hearts and molding them into misanthropic man haters of today. I was a handsome, inconsiderate li’l devil back then, but that has little to do with the issue on hand. And, “NO”! I haven’t had the occasion to face the pointed end of a sword, but there exist legions of privileged recepiants who’ve had occasion to deal with the blunt end of my rod. Have a nice day and a wonderful life!

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