ANTI-TERRORISM TASK FORCE

The Abominating, Devastating, Dominating, Delhi-Belly Aching,

RAPID-MOBILITY ANTI-TERRORIST TASK FORCE:

Government’s Decisive Response to Random Acts of Terror.

“Hell hath no fury like a Feminazi on a mission!” – Deceased (male) activist martyred in his quest for Equal Rights For Men.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED READING:

1. “SCREW THE BITCH: Divorce Tactics For Men” by Dick Hart. You can either purchase the book for around $300 from Amazon.com (Paperback: 186 pages. Publisher: Breakout Productions – June 1, 1991. ISBN-10: 1893626318. ISBN-13: 978-1893626317), or you could be a Dick and screw Dick out of his misogynistic earnings by downloading the .pdf version from Scribd.com.
2. Now there’s another side to the story of righteous indignation where the writer, Keith Harmon Snow, alleges that US Family Courts are behind an epidemic of pedophilia & judicial abuse. Check out “A LIFE SENTENCE: U.S. FAMILY COURTS SACRIFICING MOTHERS & CHILDREN”.
3. Also read the “work” of Wilhelm Reich (1897-1957 the Austrian psychoanalyst who theorized that sexual repression is the source of many psychological and social problems; then kiss adieu to whatever morals we mercifully still have left!

Copyright. Carlisle Collins. havepenwillwrite. 2013. All Rights Reserved.

COMMENT FROM MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER

“Dad: It’s your choice what you put on your blog page.  I’m not telling u to change it.  I’m just saying I don’t go there because of what you consider to be “rib-tickling” humor.  It’s not my responsibility to sift through the images to get to your message.  If you have a following that doesn’t have a problem with that stuff, that’s fine.  I’m just not a part of that group.  My opinion is that the images are rude, distasteful, distracting and detract from any message you are trying to convey.  Again, my opinion.  If you really want me to read your articles, I would be okay if you just emailed me the texts instead. I love you.”

Well, Folks: Just when I thought I was doing pretty darn good expressing myself about certain disturbing social issues (i.e., “disturbing” to me), I get this email from my daughter … Now, THIS I find truly disturbing: that I raised an opinionated daughter who’s stalwart,  righteous, upright, moral, and adheres very strongly to acceptable conservative values which, it seems, I had long forgotten (or maybe I never had because I couldn’t figure out what is “acceptable”, “conservative”, and “values”)!.

What can I say …? “Gulp” …! Time Out for some serious self-reflection, here … Do I feel sorry? Or maybe a bit ashamed …? Could I do without the images my precious lil’ girl finds “rude, distasteful, distracting and detracts from any message” I’m trying to convey?

I thought long and hard for a second: Quite honestly, my answer to All The Above is an unwavering “NO”!

You see, there’s more than adequate serious, straight-faced journalism out there to induce severe symptoms of constipation and pop hemorrhoids even if William F. Buckley, Jr. were alive today. Many issues meriting public concern have been previously discussed elsewhere and are along similar lines to those I choose to address. And, YES: those (other) sites get a lot more traffic than my humble little blog does.

But I haven’t as yet come across any writing that juxtaposes with synchronized immediacy the writer’s closet opinion about what he just wrote; more so, if his veiled stance is tangential to his written message and, perhaps, somewhat more honest – despite the gaudy wrappings of proletarian vulgarity [and a few (in-)appropriately placed inspirational .gifs]…

And if the message concerns OMG-type issues of gravity nose-to-nose right smack up in your face, perhaps there might be a funny side to it if you walked around to its rear and reexamined it from its South Side with a proctoscope. Nowhumsaiyin’? Then, perhaps all that seriousness might be “Gone With The Wind” ..… Which reminds me of that immortal line from Clark Gable: “FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON’T GIVE A DAMN”.

But I will always love you, my Precious Little Angel, my first born …. ALWAYS!

Dad.

Copyright. Carlisle Collins – havepenwillwrite. 2013. All Rights Reserved.

CORRUPTION FAQ’s – What is Corruption? Promiscuity or Economic Necessity? Does it REALLY Hurt? Would KY Jelly Help …?

CORRUPTION FAQ’s – Stuff you’ve always wanted to know but were afraid to ask …

Below is my response to a comment made by Mr/Mrs./Ms (?) PLV Rao to an earlier Post “BLACK MONEY: India’s Parallel Economy”. See Link:

http://havepenwillwrite.wordpress.com/2012/12/08/indias-parallel-economy/

 “Dear Sir: Despite an element of truth in your assessment, surely India has made some rapid strides toward putting in place innovative, viable schemes that exploit our economic potential at least in the long run; this, independent of underhandedness. Yours faithfully,” etc.

Although I agree with certain parts of his/her (?) opinion (like “Dear Sir” and “Yours faithfully”), I honestly cannot do adequate justice to the statement via a brief, one-para reply; hence, with due respect, this new Post …

Dear PLV Rao: Weelll … Yes, yes! Of course … and there is a Santa Claus who comes only once a year (because his elves get nervous, otherwise!), and the Easter Bunny hides his eggs (because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s intimate with a chicken)!

Get real, Brother! Just about every door of opportunity the government is gracious enough to open up; there are scores of greedy palms gesticulating under the table for grease. Have you ever applied for any legitimate entitlement – and had to wait years to discover they “lost” the paperwork? Even a mundane business license has attached thereto some “hidden charges”.

Your statement gives added credence to my lay opinion. The inadvertent choice of Machiavellian locution used in this context, viz. “viable SCHEMES””, “EXPLOIT”, “UNDERHANDEDNESS”, betrays a clandestine reliance on precisely these elements which influence and facilitate our economic boom. This “Freudian Slip” is a very relevant observation based upon scientific evidence that people’s word choices unconsciously reveal states of mind that they are trying to conceal; in this case, a sub-conscious admission of the indispensable role of corruption in our economic affairs.

You are right on one point: the government has indeed put in place innovative, viable schemes that exploit our economic potential, in the example below, by fleecing tourists. Call it government-sanctioned tourist traps, if you like … but of vital importance to the extortive importation of foreign exchange through the back door! Is this (incident below) what you meant by “innovative, viable schemes …”?

Once upon a time, a US Citizen came to visit historic India – and got arrested on some incredulous, trumped-up charges based exclusively upon unsubstantiated allegations. To be fair, the Police did offer him a choice to bribe his way out. But, being the principled sort (and somewhat foolishly stubborn), he refused to grease palms – which landed him ass-first in the State Guest House while his lawyer and the Prosecutor negotiated on an agreeable price not to challenge his bail petition.

That was seven years ago. And now, still on bail, minus his US Passport (with an expired Visitor’s Visa), and, until very recently (he first had to part with a couple of pink bundles of currency), absent any sign of a Charge Sheet, our disillusioned visitor remains an involuntary resident of India. His sole source of income is his foreign pension deposited in a US bank account. He uses this overseas bank’s ATM card to withdraw funds to support himself in India and placate the Criminal (in)Justice scavengers and other opportunistic parasites.

NOW LET’S DO THE MATH: I learned his net US income is in the ballpark of US $3000.00 per month (after taxes and other deductions), and he spends every dime in India (thru’ ATM withdrawals). In seven years, he has imported (7 x 12 x 3000 =) $252,000.00 in foreign exchange, which works up to a whopping Rs. 14,364,000/- !!

Holy Popped Hemorrhoids, Batman! That’s more than most big businesses pay the country in Income Tax!  This guy should be honored with a National Award, don’t you think? Well, since I was fresh out of Bharat Ratnas, I just stuck a fat cigar in his mouth, shook his hand, and tried (unsuccessfully) to talk him out of a friendly loan … !

India is one of the most “corrupt” nations in the world. This is no secret! If you’re a fiend for figures and statistics, take a look at the Global Corruption Index or the rankings inspired by Transparency International and a host of other government-funded Non-Government Organizations. But you really don’t need any such “researched” data but your own experience to form a factual opinion (since such data compilation is just as simplistic and misleading as dividing the “average” income by the “average” number of people in an “average” community to determine the Per Capita Income vs. economic development).

So, is “Corruption” beneficial? BUT OF COURSE IT IS; it’s gotta be!! Otherwise, we wouldn’t be practicing it with such spiritual zest and gusto! But before venturing forth to quantify corruption, it stands to reason that we first determine – by consensus – EXACTLY WHAT IS CORRUPTION?!

Transparency International describes it thus: “Corruption is the abuse of entrusted power for private gain. It hurts everyone who depends on the integrity of people in a position of authority.” There’s sufficient editorializing here so as to make it far less than an objective definition and more of a subjective opinion dependent upon individual (and differing) outlooks. Where one would view an act as “bribery”, the other would see it as a well-deserved “commission”, or in conformance with a generally acceptable national tradition, e.g., “inaam”, “bakshish”, “gift”, etc. Therefore, it would be “insulting” and signal “unbecoming arrogance” if one were to refuse it.

Besides, if you’d have noticed, the vast majority of the masses making a hue and cry over Corruption and the “dismal” state of affairs are non-players, illiterates’/semi-literates, pseudo-righteous, jealous losers, disillusioned patriots, politicians in sheep’s clothing; those, ticked off at the “ill-gotten gains” of the successful few while they (the serfs) slog their butts off unsure whether their kids will sleep on a full belly … That’s the way it is, the way it was, and the way it’s gonna be. So, “until the proletarians revolt against the bourgeois“, I wouldn’t hold my breath for any change in the status quo. But if that ever happens, there’ll still be a “proletarian upper class”, Mr. Marx!

The Indian Penal Code 1860 (amend.), Prevention of Corruption Act 1988 (amd.), even the UN Convention Against Corruption fails to provide a uniform, precise legal definition of Corruption. The laws certainly cover a wide range of actions that could be colored as “corruption” in a colloquial sense, but for a law to be legal it needs to be unambiguous; otherwise it would be capricious and “void for vagueness”!

So, before “going to war” against this abstruse bastard (Corruption), is it not essential that the “enemy” should be identified first; failing which, many innocents will perish (and have perished) in “friendly fire”.

© Copyright 2012. Carlisle Collins. Havepenwillwrite. All Rights Reserved.

BLACK MONEY: INDIA’S PARALLEL ECONOMY

The (Indian) media was ecstatic that the “per capita income” of Indians for the first time crossed the Rs 50,000-mark in 2010-11! The “average” Indian was earning about $1000 per year (before Taxes). This should be very reassuring to Balraj, our contracted choukidar (Security Guard), as he collects his monthly gross salary of Rs. 5000/-. But, to his “average Indian” relatives living on the poverty line in the village or communal slums embellishing the city gutter, a thousand dollar income is a distant dream, and Balraj is looked up to as somewhat of a prosperous hero.

But even for people like Balraj who’re on a fixed income of Rs. 5000/- (US $100), how can one be reasonably expected to support a growing family of five, i.e., him, his pregnant wife, and three kids?

THE MEDIA LIES! Statistics are conjured up to deceive: there’s a conspicuous rift between creative computation and objective reality. Dividing the country’s national income by its population is no accurate reflection of its overall living conditions and quality of life. More importantly, when the base figure for the national income is in itself fallacious, all subsequent calculations would be nothing but illusory.

Consider this: The base national income is the DECLARED INCOME (also known as “White Money”). Now, who in his right senses would declare his “under the table” takings (i.e., “Black Money”). As we all know (or should know), it is this country’s Black Money that keeps us afloat in the turbulent world economy. It is Black Money that gives us buying power and, yes, STATUS!

The Winds of Change has subtly but with certainty reached our country. And we’re just ‘this close’ to having a hole blown thru’ it if we don’t watch where we’re going!

Look around you: There is nothing in the “outside world” that is not available right here in India; sometimes, at a lower price than elsewhere: state of the arts electronics, medical/diagnostic equipment, automobiles, fashion, entertainment, education, recreation, spirituality, debauchery, law, lawlessness … We’ve come to accept online shopping as a necessity rather than convenience! Currency is almost obsolete; we pay thru’ plastic. Heck, we’ve opened our doors to international retail super stores like Metro, Walmart, Carrefour , Tesco to compete in our lucrative retail market. (Of course there’s a real likelihood the international giants may have to “renegotiate” with the new government if the current UPA is replaced after the elections … But, so what? I’m sure the players were prepared for just such contingencies: “Flaunt your inaam; remain calm! It’ll go your way when you Grease their palms”).

Would this unofficial indicator of economic development been possible if we were to live within our legitimate income? Please Note: The term of reference. “WE” excludes the “average Indian” like Balraj and his slum-dwelling kin.

Let’s be realistic: An alternate, tax-free, undisclosed source of income is an absolutely essential prerequisite if we’re to enjoy an elevated standard of living; our revised national ethos being, “Live within your means even if you’re bribed to do so”.

It’s comforting to realize there isn’t a country in the world that could boast of being truly corruption free. Those naïve patriots who claim there’s no bribery in their nation, or dishonesty for personal gain are myopic. It may not be as evident at lower levels of their society, but it is most certainly there and flourishing amongst special interest groups way up the pinnacle of the pyramid – and in gigantic proportions!

As for our beloved India, and some other countries, where bribery and other fun forms of corruption are as commonplace as garam masala and coconut hair oil, corruption is everywhere but the dollar amounts involved are relatively diminutive.  Whereas a cop in the US would throw your ass in jail if you attempted to bribe him, here in India, no self respecting cop will overlook an opportunity to be bribed; failing which, he will attempt extortion – even for a paltry Rs. 50/-.

Let’s face it: Corruption is an essential part of our cultural fabric. It would be tantamount to treason if genuine, determined attempts are made to root it out.

OK? So what about the ANTI-CORRUPTION BUREAU? Is it truthfully that which its name describes it to be?

The answer is an irrevocable, resolute, vociferous, straight-faced “YES”!

The ACB is the government’s elite enforcement wing, sort of like a Desi version of the Gestapo. It functions exclusively to keep in check police personnel and other government employees from freelancing for private profit. By “freelancing for private profit”, I mean surreptitiously sabotaging the healthy flow of gratuity, circumventing the established chain of command, and diverting it into one’s very own pocket!

The ACB boasts a formidable track record of netting in the little fish (who are, in any case, dispensable). This purports to represent a deterrent; to scare the “big fish” into compliance. It also serves as a venerable vehicle to launch vendettas on whomsoever you intend to have his livelihood fornicated with.

So much for the “little fish” and “big fish”. But what about those who truly matter? The predators – THE SHARKS?

Well, my dear friends, as every Desi cop learns one time or another in his career, “He who swims in the company of sharks will one day have his ass bitten! Stick to the pond; frogs are a lot friendlier (unless you happen to be a worm)!”

This brings us to Sri D.BOOBATHI BABU,IPS, Director General of AP State Anti Corruption Bureau – an unfortunate casualty in The “War” Against Corruption (which really isn’t a “war” per se, but more of a façade to appease the gullible public).

Anyway, Sri Boobathi turned out to be yet another renegade and an embarrassment to the IPS fraternity: Being principled and a thoroughly honest guy, he took his job seriously! He resolutely stood his ground when the government suggested he overlook certain improprieties perpetrated by the local, highly influential mafia.

The powers that be decided on a wake-up call. They promoted and transferred Boobathi’s right-hand man Srinivasa Reddy, IPS who, as Chief of Special Investigation Team, was performing an invasive proctoscopy into the liquor scam. Boobathi’s two nominees for the vacated post were overridden by the government appointing instead Sri Ravi Varma, IPS. Ravi also happens to be a competent, charismatic,  “straight-up” kind of guy but, like most other veteran cops on upward mobility, he’d be gun-shy to engage Mister Government in a pissing contest!

Not to be outdone, Boobathi mothballs  Varma to administrative duties with no enforcement power or role over investigations. Whereupon, Mister Government, in a decisive “Check – Mate” move, promotes and transfers Prasada Rao, IPS as Chief of the ACB – and Boobathi goes on long leave.

So, is there an outcry; at least a faint whimper from a community “outraged” by suspicious political interference in the workings of the ACB? Naaa! It’s “business as usual” (monkey-business?), and Boobathi happens to be just another garden variety, run o’ the mill, honest cop whose career has gone to (the?) dogs!

Last I heard since writing this Post, Sri Boobathi Babu, IPS succumbed to adverse transfer as Additional Director General of Railways Police: a complex assignment to keep coolies and Ticket Collectors honest. Ravi Varma, IPS got what he always wanted: a transfer as Deputy Commissioner of Cyberabad Police so he can finally kick some butt! And Mister Government got back what is rightfully theirs: a free hand with impunity!

Moral of The Story, Boys & Girls: Don’t rock the boat. Corruption has earned a privileged status in our society. We can’t live without it! This, our beloved Bharat, happens to be a true-to-life WONDERLAND where, thanks to the magic wand of corruption, anything is possible in India – if you have the bucks to back your play. Heck! Walk into court with the severed head of some unfortunate bastard who ran into your knife … and walk away with bail – then take your sweet time (like 20 years) to orchestrate an acquittal!

The fact of the matter is we’re being desensitized about something that’s very wrong … as though resignedly succumbing to a horrible disease; i.e., “getting used to it”!

This reminds me of the guy who goes to the doctor because he has a long, ugly wart growing on his forehead. The doctor examines it and says “Oh my god! You have a rare disease: In three days you’re going to have a full-sized penis growing out of your forehead!”

“WHAT?” says the man. “Well, cut the damn thing out!”

“I can’t,” says the doctor, “It’s attached to your brain; you’d die!”

“So you’re telling me,” says the man, “that in three days, when I get up in the morning and look in the mirror to shave, brush my teeth, comb my hair, I’m going to see a fat Dick sticking out of my forehead and staring right back at me?”

“Oh no! No! No! Don’t worry …”, assures the doc.”You won’t see anything. Your balls will cover your eyes!”

And that’s precisely what’s happening to us. We’re becoming blindfolded Dickheads! We’re being desensitized to the fact that corruption is illegal: It’s a crime, remember?

No! It used to be …!

© Copyright 2012. Carlisle Collins. Havepenwillwrite. All Rights Reserved.

MAN’S SECRET WEAPON IN THE GENDER WAR (or “Sneaky Recipes To Ensnare and Enslave Women”)

It is a sad fact of life that crimes against men (by women, of course) are on the increase. I’m not talking about petty stuff like a firm paddling when we stagger home drunk, or having our wallet picked while we lay floored on the front porch covered in vomit, or being called names and disgraced before the kids and neighbors at 2:00 am, or threatened with divorce -stuff we’d forget about anyway, come morning; or even being butt-slapped as we go fetch cold beer for the Mrs. and her yackety-yak entourage fixed on some pansy-ass culinary program on TV, etc.

No! I’m talking about SERIOUS shit like Adam-teasing, male sexual harassment at the workplace, getting promotions or a cushy job assignment commensurate with our willingness to be sexually exploited by hypersexual Madam Bosses, being publicly goosed in the lunchroom or in crowded elevators, being gang raped nonstop by a horde of gorgeous Amazonian nymphos (‘cos we’re promiscuous and “act like we want it …”) …  ya’know: below-the-belt stuff like that!

So, in this here “gender war”, which we (men) REALLY do not wish to partake in (mainly ‘cos we don’t stand a half-assed chance of winning nor calling it a Draw!), HOW THE FUDGE DO WE GET OUR OPPRESSORS TO EASE OFF, LEGGO THE FULL-NELSON CHOKE HOLD SO WE COULD BREATHE A BIT? Because, let’s face it, Hombre, “ … kissing and making up …” doesn’t seem to be working anymore …! And marching to the Capital in a million-man Slutwalk and jockstrap burning seem so passé, they’re not even political statements anymore!

Of course, one alternative to an acrimonious heterosexual relationship is a homosexual one (which could as well turn out to be just as acrimonious – or worse: intensely painful!). But, on the plus side of being a traumatized faggot with a flaccid sphincter and bloody undies, it is highly unlikely your gay butt-buddy would appropriate your mobile home, or truck, or the kids (WHAT KIDS!!?), or screw you for alimony all your miserable life….

So, how can the underdog (i.e., us men) expect to exist when stifled by a demanding, oppressive, controlling, obsessive despot, who, it seems like eons ago, happened to have been the love of your life?

Now, faced with this gloomy scenario, any chance to reclaim your manhood and maybe infuse some happiness into your wretched life? Is it possible for us to manipulate her moods, her choices, her personality … stifle her bitchiness and re-program her into becoming submissive and tolerable (if not likeable)? IS THERE ANYTHING WE COULD DO TO ROBOTIZE AND POSSESS HER?!

But why stop there? If your “Quick Fix” pill works on her, it’ll more than likely work on other women also! (Heh! Heh! Wicked Smile!!).

Hence my research into that fixation: HOW TO ATTRACT WOMEN LIKE FLIES ON SHIT HONEY!

I went through a whole pile of Black Magic books, Y’know, like Talismans, Charms, Spells, etc.,  on the subject but found these three as holding some practical promise: THE PERFUMED GARDEN, THE KAMASUTRA, and THE ANADA RANGA (Google ‘em). Within the hallowed pages of these sacred text lie fascinating anecdotes to life’s diverse complexities (– which could be summarized in one scary word: WOMEN)! Aside from a plethora of sneaky routes to purloin your beloved’s affection, and advice on the art of surreptitious seduction, these treatises, to be of any real use, unfortunately require the hopeful to have a freakin’ doctorate in Botany!

No matter! These “Every Man’s Dream Come True” books are the culmination of a lifetime of dedicated, ball-banging research into the (Ahem!) dark recesses of female mechanics; authoritative (?!)  encyclopedias about understanding your quarry, their particular idiosyncrasies, and sneaky methods of ensnaring and retaining them in captivity. In other words, they’re all about “what makes ‘em tick to your tock …”!

A necessary requirement is your belief in the magical power of plants, auspicious times of the day/night, and proper astronomical  factors catalytic to successful commencement and completion of your lascivious venture – all well explained; all very comprehensible!

But we have a problem here, Huston: Searching for and obtaining the goddamn plants is a pipedream! Hell! I can’t even pronounce valeriana latamansi, or cyperus pertenui,s or taberna Montana, or coronaria asarobacca!  And ” Juncifolius” would get me floored in a bar fight … B’sides, some rituals require human skulls and cadavers (which Walmart employs but does not stock as a Sale item).

Anyway, what struck me as paradoxical were the moral proselytizing and the “Product Warning Label” not to misuse your new found power over your mesmerized fan club!! But, look at it this way: If you commanded power over women; ANY WOMAN – ALL WOMEN, and you were attracting them like a magnet (You irresistible SOB, You!!), would you be in your right mind if you were to resist all that attention??  Get Real, Dude! That would be downright low, mean, and sadistic of you to lead ‘em on with wet expectations; then, after hours of heavy petting, you come up with something typically effeminate and off-color  like, “Ooh … I’m not ready for THAT just yet … Let’s just cuddle ….”. (Say What!! Byatch …!).

Chuck Norris always has sex
on the first date. Always!

Being, for the most part, a moral kind of guy; sorta’ upright and spiritual (admittedly, 98-proof), I would be derelict in my civic as well as my saintly duty if I were to omit the following advisory from its rightful mention: So, here’s a cautionary note from the ancients in case you happen to be a Rock Star, an Icon of the Silver Screen, a Zillionaire with a terminal disease, a botanist with his own private nursery; anyone who’s got women falling out of his ears and pockets …

A WORD ABOUT INFIDELITY, ADULTERY, COVETOUSNESS (AND OTHER SUCH FUN PASTIMES):

The sacred text Anaga Ranga – Chapter VII – warns about seven damning repercussions from  banging somebody else’s wife: 1). Adultery shortens one’s life (also see #6); 2). The body becomes “spiritless” and “vigorless” (i.e., About time you got some rest, Champ!); 3). The world derides and reproaches the lover ( … those self-righteous hypocrites! Losers!); 4). He despises himself (Big-time guilt trip!); 5). His wealth greatly decreases (So, go buy cheap presents!); 6). He suffers much in this world (especially if her husband “THE MARK” comes to know!), and 7). He will suffer even more in the hereafter (i.e., Karma is such a bitch!).

The Book continues with more tales of horror … “Great and powerful monarchs have ruined themselves and their realms by their desire to enjoy the wives of others … e.g., the family of the Ravana, King of Lanka (Ceylon), was destroyed because he abducted Sita, the wife of Rama … Vali lost his life for attempting to “connect” with Tara (Kishkinda-kand) … In Viratparvi  of the Mahabharat, Kichaka, the Kaurava, with all his brethren met with destruction because he wished to have Draupada, daughter of Drupad and the common wife (?!) of the Pandu brothers (Come on, Gal! One more won’t make such a big difference?)… So, let none, therefore, attempt adultery even in their thoughts.” YA RIGHTT!! [Eds. Note: They were ruined and/or destroyed ‘cos their secret little adventure wasn’t a secret after all! They were discovered – and had HELL TO PAY!!].

But, don’t be discouraged my tenacious friend! There’s still hope for us covetous bastards: So, despite all this ignominy, disgrace, and ball-shattering, nightmarish consequences, if it is absolutely necessary, nay, VITAL, for you to bone the married broad, under certain circumstances, your fantasy may be legitimized and realized ( … You lucky SOB …!).

There happens to be ten progressive (regressive?) changes in the “natural state of men”, i.e., levels of “hornyness”/obsession which could lead to negate the restrictions: 1). When you’re in a state of Dhyasa (desideratum – can’t do anything except long for the broad); 2). When you’re close to losing your (one-track) mind;  3). When you’re constantly pensive on how to woo, win, and slam her into a coma;  4). When your nights are restless, devoid of refreshing sleep (‘cos you’re fantasizing while jacking-off all night!);  5). When you look haggard and withered (no rest for the wicked?);  6). When you’re becoming “shameless” in your pursuits and losing your sense of decency and decorum (e.g., strutting around in public with a hard-on?);  7). When your riches take on wings and fly (Oops!); 8). When your state of mental intoxication verges upon madness (i.e., when crazy-ass you becomes Ass-crazy); 9). When fainting fits occur (i.e., all blood leaves your big head and descends into your little head); and 10). When you find yourself approaching death (i.e., feigning suicide works!).

Whereupon, as a stellar act of humanitarianism, statesmanship, and mercy, your fantasy woman’s husband (“The Mark”!) may loan her out to you since he’d be saving your (worthless) life! Of course, as is expected of the exemplary, humble, and devoted wife, the woman will exhibit some “reluctance” but be duty bound to  obey her husband’s command (Perverts!).

All in all, a utilitarian piece of work! Will somebody please let me know if it really works …?

Ahhh …! I shouldn’t have wasted my life studying Law! I should have been a botanist or a mortician! The possibilities (for debauchery!) would have been limitless … (… and I would have died with a big smile on my ugly face and a bullet in my back from a jealous husband)!

© Copyright 2012. Carlisle Collins. Havepenwillwrite. All Rights Reserved.

“LADIES SPECIAL – SIGNS OF A CHEATING HUSBAND”: High Alert Warning from the Hyderabad City Police Crime-Burstards!

Old Habits Die HARD

Late one uneventful night, while staggering aimlessly all over the web, I happened to stumble upon this ball-tickling Crime Alert Notification on the Hyderabad City Police website: HOW TO SPOT A CHEATING HUSBAND!

Now, here are a bunch of dedicated folk, our crusading crime-busters, entrusted to maintain peace, law, and some semblance of unity, order in this multi-ethnic, multi-religious, multi-political, multi-complicated city with its unique blend of misdirected conflicts, further fueling distrust and suspicion closer to home! In fact, further fueling distrust and suspicion IN OUR VERY HOMES!

Or maybe I interpreted the headline incorrectly: Perhaps it is a “Ladies Special” Notification for horny women on the lookout for cheating husbands, and this informative bulletin is meant to clue them into recognizing prospects for some discrete fun ….. See for yourself … Check out the Link:

http://www.hyderabadpolice.gov.in/WomenCorner/CheatingHusband.htm

Naa …! It does stink of an Advisory for Ladies Only: Here’s how to tell if  that sonnofabitch is dipping his slimy paws in someone else’s cookie jar – you look for (Ta Daa …) “Signs of a Cheating Husband”!

Holy Smoke! As though we don’t have enough bullshit to deal with at home already, here are our friendly neighborhood cops planting seeds of suspicion in our already fragile family relationships. So, unless you’re a mechanical robot programmed to perform designated “routine” functions at specified time slots during the day, any slight (“subtle”) deviation from your “usual” habits is cause for suspicion – that you’re a no good, low down, lying sack-o-shit excuse for a husband. (OK! So what else is new, eh …?).

Obviously, this piece of journalistic vomit was authored by some embittered, PMS-ing housewife with first-hand experience and an axe to grind. No true MAN would betray his own kind … So, watch your back, Comrades, because if Madam has read this piss-n-crap, hate-mongering, criminal spray of diarrhea, you are now focused in her sights! And you can thank our helpful policia for intruding into our intimate home life.

Now, wouldn’t it be fair if our friendly Dicks (i.e., detectives) were to put out a similar advisory on cheating wives? Or maybe they’re too damn dumb to catch their wives at play, so they can’t recognize the “signs” to write about them …

Since fair-play and equity are not really what our police are known for, I thought it would be my civic duty to put my spiritual (98%-proof) rambling thoughts on paper while I’m barely sober to do so – as a free service to the majority of non-represented tax payers (who just happen to be male breadwinners).

RAMBLING THOUGHTS ON INFIDELITY – TELLTALE SIGNS OF A CHEATING WIFE:

Yes, Folks! Women do cheat! They’ve been doing it for years and have become very good at it.  If statistics are any more reliable than first-hand knowledge, one out of four married women has ‘cheated’ (or WILL cheat) on her husband/spouse at least once during their relationship; and the remaining three fantasize about the possibility (which could develop into probability, then on to eventuality; finally, a FACT!). In other words, it’s just a matter of time before she moans, “Yes, Ravi, yes!! … harder … harder …” while you’re banging her into a coma – but you happen to be Vijay, and Ravi is your future ex-best friend, the slime ball …!

So either boot ‘er out while you’re still ahead or hang on to the mast while the ship capsizes!

Scientists finally discovered what was wrong the female brain. They said the Left Side had nothing right and the Right Side had nothing left.

 

It is not the intent of this writing to propose an answer to, “Why do women cheat”?  Volumes have been devoted to attempt a definitive conclusion: there’s no singular answer; it varies and mutates into a mess of confusion. In fact, women don’t even know why women cheat … so go figure!

Psychologists Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss’s “pioneering research” on underlying sexual motivations of women; their physiological response and evolutionary emotions, uncovers an amazingly complex and nuanced portrait of female sexuality. The motivations that guide women’s sexual decisions and explain the deep-seated psychology and biology that often unwittingly drive women’s desires—sometimes in pursuit of health or pleasure, or sometimes for darker, disturbing reasons that a woman may not fully recognize nor accept.

HERE ARE SOME TYPICAL FEMALE “JUSTIFICATIONS”: … because there’s “something missing” in my marriage (Solution: the AWOL F**k)… because I just KNOW he’s doing it – or has done it – so I’m just getting even (Solution: the Equalizer F**k) … because I’m fuckin’ pissed off at that dirt-bag (Solution: the Pissed-off F**k) … because he stood me up on my birthday and had to work night (Solution: the Happy Birth-NIGHT F**k) … because he forgot it’s my birthday AGAIN (Solution: the F**k That Absent Minded Turd F**k) … because he cums too fast then hands me the vibrator while half asleep (Solution: the Speedy/Sleepy Gonzalez F**k) … he doesn’t talk to me (Solution: the Silence-Is-Golden F**k) … because he’s been an inconsiderate bastard (Solution: the Revenge F**k) … because he has a hard time ‘getting it up’ (Solution: the DOA F**k) … because I’m just bored (Solution: the Quick Buzz F**k) … I wonder what It’d be like (Solution: the Curiosity Fills My Pussy F**k) … because I haven’t had it for sooo long (Solution: the Baba RamDev-Yogic-Bhramachary F**k) … and on … and on … and on …

HERE IS THE TYPICAL MALE JUSTIFICATION: “…. ‘cos she comes stacked with ‘em melons, Bro! And a godawesome ass that just won’t quit; and the slut is H.O.T!”

Obama finally gets an up-close view of Gay Parie! Eiffel Tower, Louvre, and Arc de Triomphe can wait ‘till his next visit … Da Man has priorities, y’know!

In a nutshell (no pun!), men cheat because we want SEX! Women cheat because they’re looking for an “emotional connection” (which happens to be a politically correct euphemism for SEX)! Men and Women cheat because we can! And all the situational dynamics that cheaters selectively bring into play are a necessary smokescreen; self-pacifying rationalization that cons the conscience into believing as valid an act that most all societies regard unacceptable; thus, to be unconditionally avoided (– particularly by women in my harem)!

Thanks to long years of ball-banging research (academic, of course!) exploring the dark (Ahem!) recesses of female vulnerability, I have discovered the single most potent projectile capable of penetrating their defenses is a lie; actually, a GOOD lie! Better yet, SEVERAL good lies!

Remember, all actions begin with a (dirty) thought! That thought needs to be empowered and propelled in a specified trajectory toward the desired target. Think “Radio Waves”! Allright, let’s simplify that: Think “Farming”! The “ground” must first be tilled before planting the seed, right? More importantly, the ground must be fertile (… well, that’s a given)! Then, the seed once planted must be nurtured into growth before it yields fruit. Finally, the fruit is ready for plucking – but you gotta wait ‘till the farmer’s away from the orchard! But, take heart … Once you’ve come this far up, the rest is easy – downhill all the way ‘cos by then you’ll have created a cooperative accomplice (i.e., your desired Target!).

But first, in the immortal words of management guru Peter Drucker, “Think MBO”! No! Not “My Body Odor”, Ya Schmuck! “Management By Objectives”! Got it? Simply put, you gotta have a Plan, Sam! And several back-up contingency plans.

But if this process is successfully sabotaged (by that slimy turd of a husband, or, even worse, a fellow scumbag competitor!), your secret mission will have met with a roadblock! Infidelity will have been contained – for now. But not to worry, Ya Sly Bastard: as is legendary the guile of women; so also the gullibility of their men – and the tenacity of the adventurous intruder. Always have Plan-B, Plan-C, Plan-D … handy, Randy! Whether you’re defending your turf or fixing to sneak up on someone else’s.

So, in order to actually RECOGNIZE telltale signs of infidelity, you must first remove your designer blinders …  those she had you put on, to set you at ease and throw you off guard, i.e., your Gucci shades, Son! Your ‘machismo’! Your manly ego! Yup! “You da man – A man’s MAN”! You’re an “excellent provider, great company, an exemplary role model for the kids, and, lest I forget, a superb lover”! Furthermore, you have the bestest pecker this lady ever had. Of course, your is the only pecker she ever had (YA RRIGHT …!!).

Once you continue believing that crap, you’re bathing (solo) in your ego – and she’s bathing in someone else’s love sweat! Probably been doing it for years, you dumb schmuck!

Psychology pundits and people in the know tell us that cheaters often leave telltale signs that arouse suspicion. These could be anything from a change in their usual behavior, habits, clothes, appearance, work schedule, or unexplained phone calls and a desire for more privacy/”space”. The signs could also be more subtle, such as a change in attitude toward you, diminishing intimacy or sexual response. So, you be the judge of that.

Victim of Infedility

If you have lots and lots of time on your hand and nothing really constructive to do (but work yourself into an enlightened, higher level of paranoia), you might want to look into some excellent advice on the web about snooping into the ol’ lady’s mysterious activities and other aspects of her personal goings-on. Informative articles ranging from maintaining logs of her activities by the minute and cross-checking with other data, documenting her mood swings, hiring a PI, sneaking into her purse for secret notes, numbers, hotel receipts, GPS vehicle tracking, taking a 2x daily inventory of contraceptive devices to see if any are missing, interrogating her friends and co-workers, exploring other more creative methods of defiling privacy laws, etc. You could even stock up on Semen Detection Kits (i.e., if you’re into panty sniffing and other kinky stuff, you Sicko)!

Whatever your suspicions and resultant course of action, you need to decide whether it is worth the effort to investigate, gather evidence, and confront. And then WHAT …? Keep her? Dump her? Share her …? Bear in mind that whatever proof you come up with, it serves only to confirm (or dispel) your own private suspicions. It serves not to prove to the cheater that she’s a cheater. She knows that already!

Word of advice: If you’re sinking that low on the self-esteem scale so as to digitally check for slime in her honey pot or ‘suspicious’ stains on her panties … Dude, you’ve got it coming! I wish her good luck and fulfillment in her endeavors – and a virtual bouquet of roses in admiration for putting up with your dementia.

For heaven’s sake, save what’s left of your manhood and sanity! Either dump her, or, if you still want to keep her, then let her be! There’s still happiness to be found in life even if you were to crawl under a rock and fraternize with fellow worms.

And then go visit a shrink; you’d be doing yourself and everyone else a big favor.

Copyright 2012 – Carlisle Collins – All Rights Reserved

ACP E. SHANKAR REDDY – PRESIDENT’S MEDAL FOR MERITORIOUS POLICE “WORK”.

There once was a cop with an itch,
and pimples of puss on his lil’ prick.
He’d scratch it in public, in private, in secret,
And stuff any orifice that’d fit!

Below is an online comment from M. EVR Reddy (email address withheld per his/her request) which their local newspaper The Deccan Chronicle decided to spike (i.e., not to publish). He (she?) was commenting on the Link below:

http://www.deccanchronicle.com/channels/cities/hyderabad/president%E2%80%99s-medal-cops-000

I decided to publish it as a new post and edited in supporting Links. See what you make of it …

Carlisle Collins.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I came across your site and this ludicrous flattery of Assistant Commissioner of Police (ACP) E. Shankar Reddy surfing the net. You’ve done a fine job sweeping the achievements of the other honoured awardees under our hero’s carpet while exclusively showcasing his. In fact, your readership would be led to believe your idol is part of the elite progeny of the Indian Police (dis)Service cadre when he is just another run-‘o-the-mill public servant who cajoled, bullied, and butt-kissed his way (almost) to the top – from Zero to Hero – a legend in his own mind. The article reads like a promotional ad. – paid by (who else?) DCP E. Shankar Reddy known for blowing his own trumpet!

You mention Shankar’s “investigative role” in the Emaar and Raheja cases as a vigilance officer. These cases are still under investigation; OBJECTIVE, litigatory investigation, I might add! I have serious reservations about him “unearthing” SIMI terrorist activities. SIMI activities have been “unearthed” (whatever THAT means!) a long, long time ago by others. Our hero is lapping up their credit and basking in their glory.

In fact Additional Commissioner of Police AMIT GARG, IPS, known best for towing the traditional police line of “Where there’s no evidence, fabricate evidence …”, beat Shankar Anna to the punch! Garg categorically lied before a tribunal that a certain member of the Muslim community (an engineering student, 22-year-old Moutasim Billah of Hyderabad) was a SIMI member. Yet Garg, under solemn oath, admitted having no personal knowledge of the case and was deposing entirely from documents given him by various “investigating” officers. But, none of these documents (except Garg’s) accused Billah of SIMI membership! “Oops! F**k ‘em if they can’t take a joke …!”

Apparently, our Desi Police are required to excel in a mandatory course on chicanery at the Academy supplemented by On-Job-Training specializing in circumventing legislated procedural requirements pertaining to surveillance, investigation, interrogation, seizing (fabricating?) evidence, selecting witnesses, authoring a Charge Sheet, etcetera, etcetera … From what one learns from the media, certain select high rank officers are continuing to follow the exemplary precedents set by their predecessors and peers.

So, what do we, as concerned, intellectual paraplegics, do about these shocking police practices? WE PROMOTE THESE SHYSTERS INTO HIGHER POSITIONS OF AUTHORITY AND “RESPONSIBILITY”!

And this will continue merrily along until our tolerant courts view police/prosecutorial perjury as tantamount to defecating on the bench. But waiddaminute! What if the Judge beats ‘em to the punch and takes a healthy dump on his own bench? After all, he is the undisputed proprietor, is empowered with Priority Rights, and has quicker access to the Commode of Justice …

Well … fact is, such allegations have been flashing in media headlines every now and then, so it’s really no ball-busting news – until of late! Presiding Judge T. Pattabhirama Rao (of the Court of the Central Bureau of Investigation) and his cronies became celebrities overnight. Seems like His Honour sold his honour for around Rs. 15 crores (approx. US $300,000). Just goes to show, “Money talks; bullshit walks”, and every harlot has her price …

Justice T. Pattabhirama Rao: Technically speaking, it’s really not “bribery”; look at it as a tax-exempt contribution to The Judges Retirement Fund. (Mine!!).

Good Lord! Whatever happened to the likes of the Late M.V. THOMAS, IPS, former Director General of Police (AP)? Seems like he represented a rotten example of the Indian Police Service’s failures and an embarrassment to the IPS Fraternity: You see, M.V THOMAS was a breed apart! He was an honest cop; a spiritual man, a family man, a true pillar of the community, and straight as an arrow, persevering against backdoor incentives and punitive political pressure knowing full well that one Day he will stand before his Creator and account for the power his position had entrusted him with! Such pity that values such as ‘honour’ and ‘integrity,’ which the police uniform represents, cannot be taught; it is acquired from birth and cultivated throughout your growing years! Yet here, in Mother India, one doesn’t even pay a passing glance at scumbags urinating on it!  Rest In Peace, Mr. Thomas, my dear friend. God Bless You! I am proud to have known you.

As for Shankar the Magician discovering “a huge cache of explosives”, I would take this with a grain of salt. Our police are notorious for creative exaggerations! Remember the bomb blast of Mecca Masjid in May 2007, and other unnerving explosions prancing merrily under the nostrils of our enterprising police? The (then) Director General of Police (DGP) MA BASITH, IPS described them as “sophisticated” “anti-personnel” bombs (do we know of any bombs that are PRO-Personnel?!) with “sophisticated” detonation mechanism hitherto unfamiliar to Hyderabad. The public learned shortly thereafter that they were simple, homemade “pipe bombs” triggered by a mobile ‘phone call. I could go on and on, but I wouldn’t want you to become nauseated and puke on your computer ….

Shankar Reddy Dada’s “other cases, where he played a KEY ROLE include investigating the Raheja scam, Emaar scam, the subsidized seed scam, the Tirumala Tirupati Devasthanams Aarjitha Seva ticket cases and other Value Added Tax evasion cases, involving loss of revenue estimated at Rs 2,500 crore.” I wonder what percentage ended up the Chain of Command … Sorry! Just thinking out loud …

Now, there just might be some truth to this claim: You see, there’s an old adage, “Set a thief to catch a thief”, which in Desi Police work stands somewhat modified to read, “Set a scam artist to catch a scam artist”! Anyone having firsthand knowledge of Shankar Dada and his land acquisition scams, “protection rackets”, “mamul” income, and assorted under the table inducements for doctoring his “investigations” throughout his 20-plus years of muscle flexing in the choicest, most sought after, lucrative, most revenue-generating police Sectors of Hyderabad, (viz. Banjara Hills, Jubilie Hills, Punjagutta) will agree that our hero is in a league of his own – and “in” with those who truly matter – all the way up to the Honourable Chief Minister’s office and the State’s DGP, [who (i.e., Dinesh Pedd'anna), by the way, is attempting to fend off allegations of gross corruption as we speak - and also  some state of the art Black Magic- an integral component in the Continuum of Force available in our Law Enforcement arsenal!!].

Word is, our swashbuckling ACP, Mandrake The Magician, is under “investigation” himself; A job delegated to the City CID, no doubt! Something about waving his magic pen at a homicide and, voila, transforming it into suicide, disproportionate assets, and the like? But that goes with the territory, nes’pa? I wouldn’t hold my breath for any disposition at all … definitely not by any State run agency! So, when one privately wonders “Why” such coveted Presidential award for this particular joker; we don’t dare probe any further …

We’re all familiar with the phrase, “beware of the Long Hand of the Law …” but, here it seems, the higher a Police Officer’s rank, the longer the reach of his zipper-busting, thigh-splitting, pile-driving pecker! The media commode is clogged with the pong of allegations of police impropriety especially associated with damsels in distress: “If in  trouble, gratify the cop and your troubles will lighten … If you want revenge, gratify the cop and he will make your victim’s life a living hell …”.

According to reliable sources, Pussy Power is alive and well in police stations satiating satyriasis of epidemic  proportions.

“Look, Mommy! No hands …!!”

But this seems to be an accepted norm within the Khaki Fraternity, sort of like an acquired swelling commensurate with the job.So, when (IF) media attention is aroused and an internal, closed-door“investigation” should uncover some truth to such allegations of indiscriminate hypersexuality, the “erring” officer is transferred to a different fertile Sector to continue sowing wild oats with only a notional wrist-slapping – maybe.

Latest Hemorrhoid-popping Police Smut News: Superintendent of Police S. Syamsundar, IPSwas shifted following allegations that he had developed more than a professional relationship with a woman while (Ahem!) “handling” her complaint. Jeez …! More than 200-plus ‘phone calls at odd hours of the night, eh? Man, you must be the patient, “considerate” sort they want to take home to meet Mommy; the kind of flunkey you read about in Cosmo Magazine. Unfortunately, you’ll never hit it off big with the chicks, Sam. Take it from me, Bro, you gotta’ be a super sly, selfish bastard to get their undivided attention and sample the goodies …! Don’t you think that’s enough talk for a lifetime? Just tell the broad, “Foreplay is over, Byatch! It’s time to f**k …”. Practice improvising on Shank’s simple but foolproof MO (see below) that flips broads over belly-up at the sound of  the zipper unfastening  … That’s right, Champ! Bring out that “inner” Slime Ball in you ‘cos “gentlemen” don’t stand a fair chance at gettin’ lucky in the meat market. You’ll see results. Guaranteed! And to hell with what the media says. They’re a bunch of dickless, self-righteous hypocrites whichever way you look!

“Bass kar, Yar! We all do it … or thought about doing it … maybe, WILL someday ….! So what’s the big deal, Huh? The media will be media, and cops will be cops – So, f**k ‘em if they can’t take a joke!!”

When creating husbands, God promised women that loyal and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world. And then he made the Earth round!!

Our Presidential Police Medalist’s latest notch on his starched Khaki Lingam is vilified actress-cum-madamme Tara Chowdary, according to her tearful judicial declaration. Seems like Lord Shiva’s gift to women in custody, viz. our horny hero ACP Shankar the Stud, resorted to his sure-fire, time-tested method of enchanting vulnerable women: He had her beaten into submission at the police station. Her facial bruises on YouTube seem to corroborate with her story. Adding insult to injury, the media reported that Banjara Hills Inspector M. Sudarshan and his boss (our role model, Testosteronic Shankar) seized more than ninety, hard earned, secretly recorded DVD disks of VIP’s, honourable legislators, honourable members of the cabinet, power-wielding Police Administrators, and other blue-balled moneyed clients caught with their pants down/dhotis off while exercising their libidos on Tara’s versatile callipygian staff.

The media could not reach Shankar, our pryiapic role model, until days later when he (predictably) refuted the allegations and dismissed them as “baseless”. “Tara has had a grudge against me for a long time, but I did my duty,” he quipped.  So, since how long has Shankar the Shank “known” Tara and of her meat marketing enterprise? Why didn’t he “do his duty” back then? Or perhaps he DID “do his duty” but never paid for the merchandise. Hmmm … That could explain the grudge, right? RIGHT!!

According to Police, these DVD’s were Tara’s “insurance policy” to keep the “respectable pillars of our community” from squealing if things got sour. Ironically, until a few weeks ago, our Khaki Goons would provide discrete police escort to Tara when visiting select VIP’s. According to Tara, the cops are now doing some high level blackmailing of their very own with the seized DVD’s. So, you see, CRIME PAYS!Never underestimate the creative ingenuity of our Desi cops! Jai Hind!

ANY VIP WISHING TO PRESS CHARGES AGAINST TARA OR THE POLICE, PLEASE COME FORWARD!

© Copyright 2012. Carlisle Collins. Havepenwillwrite. All Rights Reserved.